Alongside a prescription for Citalopram, I was also given a referral to CAMHS (Child and Mental Health Services). I remember meeting with the lady, who was stern and imposing. She asked for my life story in its entirety but did not advise me on any future help that I should seek. I believe I stayed under their care for around a year.
During these sessions, we covered the topic of the bus driver, one of the more ‘traumatic’ recent events in my life. I repeated the story to her, with one addition – the fact that he had sexually assaulted me. I do not know why I told her that, it was untrue. I have tried and tried to find the reasons behind it – perhaps I did not feel I had gained enough attention or perhaps I felt that he needed to be punished, and what he really done was not enough to warrant the punishment I felt he deserved. Either way, I fabricated the story and once it was told, I had to stick with it.
During my visit to the GP who had referred me, I had been given an official diagnosis of Clinical Depression with Anxiety and the psych I was talking to now also agreed. She also told me she could not keep the information I had given her to herself, and passed it on to the Child Protection Services, who then contacted me and asked me to do a video interview at the local police station, which I did. The more I repeated the story, the more it became real, and for many years, when I repeated it, it was like I was telling the truth. I honestly believed what I was saying had happened, and it is only now that I have gained more insight to my disorder that I can truly comprehend that it was a lie and did not actually happen.
The police became involved, particularly as another young girl had come forward, and the driver was arrested and released on bail. I did not feel bad – by this point I already believed he was to blame, and I tried to continue living my life as normal.
It is only now that I can start to see how a lie can snowball from a seed inside your head to a full blown accusation. I am not saying what the bus driver did was right – he was inappropriate with me, he was suggestive and did indeed tell me he wanted to have sex with me, and I consequently freaked out. I do believe he was grooming me, but it didn’t go any further. Perhaps I lied to make my story more important, I didn’t feel as though people would listen if I told them nothing physical happened. Either way, I lied, and I can finally accept that now, and learn from my mistakes.
Take care. x