So, by now I had entered what some might call ‘recovery’ from my eating disorder. I still thought I was fat, but was not actively starving myself or binging and purging. Whilst I was really ill I spent hours trawling the internet for ‘thinspiration’ – pictures to give me inspiration to get thinner – on ‘pro ana’ and ‘pro mia’ sites, the majority of which have now been closed down. Ana stands for anorexia, Mia for bulimia and most E/D sufferers live by the mantra: Anorexia the god, Bulimia the devil. It means a lot – to be anorexic you have to be strong, for Bulimia you are weak, and greedy. Anyway – I had stopped doing this too. Rather than actively trying to lose weight, I just hated myself for not trying.
During this time I passed my A-Levels and got into the university I wanted. I moved into halls, and with the exception of a small self harming blip which I attributed to stress rather than attention seeking (I obviously didn’t want my new roommates to find out about my problems) I was doing well, enjoying university and the social life that came with it. I even started a relationship, my first ‘proper’ one. I had had a previous relationship with a man (I say man but we were both in our teens) who was head over heels in love with me but very shy – that coupled with my problems with intimacy meant we never showed any – and the couple of times we had slept together was an impulse thing and done in complete silence).
In this new relationship I experienced intimacy in a whole new way, I grew comfortable with myself both physically and sexually, it was a real eye opener for me. Everything was going so well, until I fell ill with Glandular Fever, late in the first year of university. This awful condition really knocked the stuffing out of me and I became very depressed, being exhausted most of the time and unable to do the things I wanted to do.
Take Care. x