Starting something

So, I realised I could no longer carry on how I was, I was still working but most of the time in my own little world, not aware of anything that was happening around me. I went on shopping sprees to try to re-invent myself but something drastic needed to change. A friend of mine  always boasted about going out and taking Cocaine so I asked him to get me a couple of wraps. I had previously taken it now and then, but only when out for the night and socially.I got home from work, and snorted half of one of the wraps. I then went downstairs, and tried to make it really obvious to Lyn what I had done, by consistently rubbing my nose and sniffing. I don’t know why I wanted her to know – and I didn’t think about it at the time – it was just automatic. Yet again, attention seeking. Perhaps I wanted her to know how much I was struggling, what I had turned to.

I decided to clear my head by going for a walk. When I returned, I went back upstairs to take the rest of the coke. When I went to get it from my hiding place of my coat pocket, the remaining coke was gone. I searched and searched, getting desperate, but it was no good. Obviously in my hazy state I was a lot of more obvious than I realised.

I suddenly felt absolutely exhausted, so lay down on the bedroom floor. I could feel the carpet making my cheek sore, but I didn’t care. Do you ever get those times when you are so exhausted you can’t move? You haven’t even got enough energy to reply to someone if they speak to you, or wipe away dribble that is running down your chin? I don’t even think it is exhaustion, it is a state of mind; I  now know to call it disassociation.

I don’t know how long I stayed in that position but some time later Hannah came to find me. Hannah is Lyn’s daughter and we have been friends for many years, although she has her own set of different problems. She asked me what was wrong, and all of a sudden I was overcome with a blind rage; not specifically aimed at her, not aimed at anyone. It was almost as if it was aimed at myself but was too strong to stay inside me. I remember screaming, and writhing about on the floor, my body stiff and tense as I thrashed about. Hannah held me down until eventually I calmed down, and was exhausted. Hannah helped me into bed and I can remember Lyn coming into my room, sitting down by the side of my bed, holding my hand, and promising me she would do all she could to make it all better.

Take Care. x

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