When I think back to when I was at school, I developed a very strange pattern of behaviour which I now understand to be characteristic of BPD. At the beginning of each school term, after two months of not seeing my friends or teachers, I would always try to re-invent myself as a different person. One time I was the new ‘quiet’ me, one time I was ‘studious’, one time I was ‘distant’ -the list goes on. It wasn’t until much later that this was because I didn’t, and still don’t, have any real sense of identity. I don’t have a particular dress sense, my clothes reflect how I feel. I don’t behaviour in a particular way all the time because it depends on my mood and the situation. Perhaps the key to recovery is to discover who I really am but I wouldn’t even know how to get started.
So, following on from my last post, I came out of the unit, and decided I would turn over a new leaf. I was still on a fair amount of medication (escitalopram, quitiapine, diazepam and zopliclone) but I was in discussions with vicki to start reducing it. I met a man, and started a seemingly normal relationship. Unfortunately, as you will know, it is pretty damn hard to have a normal relationship with a BPD sufferer, and although I didn’t know my diagnosis at the time the symptoms were there. Within the first few weeks I had allowed the relationship to become so intense that I had already professed my love for him, and almost managed to manipulate him into reciprocating the feelings. Marriage and children were on my mind, and I couldn’t get enough of him. This carried on for sixth months, until one day I woke up, and felt nothing. In fact, it was more than that. Not only did I not love him any more, the thought of sleeping with him repulsed me. It was almost as if a switch had flicked in my head.
This had happened before in previous relationships, but it still left me at a loss. The poor man did not understand, and I couldn’t even explain it myself, the feelings were just gone. After the relationship breakup, I made a mental note to myself that no matter how strongly I felt in the early stages of a relationship, not to give in to the impulsive feelings, and to keep my mouth firmly shut.
The breakup hit me hard, no matter how hard I tried I could not make myself feel pain for the man that I had lost, and this made me appear cold, so he hated me even more. I felt terribly guilty and thought maybe I should avoid relationships if this is the pattern they always follow. It scared me that perhaps I was just getting bored, maybe this would mean I would never find someone I could settle down with if I got bored with them after six months?!
With regards to self harm, I had been clean whilst I was in the relationship, but when we split it felt almost as if there were no more reasons why I shouldn’t do it, no-one to hide it from. I was still living with Lyn but I was a lot less restricted, and still had not returned to work. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, an issue arose which caused a rift between Lyn, Hannah and I. Unfortunately, the way it happened was very painful and I made me feel as though they hated me, and that I had ‘lost them’. This, coupled with a trial of Depakote, which to this day I am sure affected my state of mind, caused me to relapse and overdose on paracetamol.
Thee days later I came home from hospital after being kept in CDU on a Parvolex drip. I subsequently overdosed again 5 days later, unfortunately this time I was not so ‘lucky’ and ended up spending a while on a cardiac ward whilst they monitored my heart.
I know, from an outsiders point of view, I shouldn’t care if I have damaged myself and this is very hard to explain to people, but I suppose despite the fact I was actively trying to end my life, if I had to carry on living it I still wanted to be healthy.
Take care. X