So, after the last post, it brings me pretty much up to date. I have currently managed to come off most of my medication, so am only still on Escitalopram, and Diazepam when required. My mood is still changeable, but on the whole is improved, although I have to be very careful with the Escitalopram, if I miss a dose, not only do I get withdrawal symptoms but it also affects my mood in a big way.
I have been clean from self harming since last June (so around 10 months now) and am really trying to keep it up, although at times it has been difficult, particularly in times of stress. I am working part time still, but my hours and increased, and for the most part I am coping with that. Sometimes the stress can be a little too much for me and I have to take time out, but I’m glad that I can now recognise that. When I had a ‘bad night’ I just take some diazepam or zopiclone, and take myself off to bed, instead of sitting around dwelling on it and giving myself the chance to act upon it in a negative way.
Don’t get me wrong, I still get STRONG self harm urges, and sometimes suicidal urges too, but I really try hard to think it through and do the sensible thing. I have stopped seeing Vicki, which was really hard. All through my life I seem to keep having these strong attachments to women that are in my life, that act as ‘mother figures’. My feelings for them go way above and beyond what they should, but I think that’s a general BPD thing. And when I lose them – I should be fine – but it hits me hard.I asked her what should I do in the time of crisis, because I also now no longer have access to the crisis team, and she told me to ring the samaritans…! I feel anxious about this, you guys will know as well as I do that these things can happen so quickly, before I know it, something can trigger you into a nightmare situation.
Because of how much progress I had made, Vicki informed me that it was time for me to be discharged from her services as a CPN. I still see Dr Cranmore on a six-monthly basis, but obviously due to ‘NHS cuts’ I am no longer on their ‘in need’ list. For a while, I really struggled with how abandoned I felt, and even now, I struggle. I feel lonely a lot of the time, depsite being surrounded by people. In fact, it was one of the reasons I decided to start this blog. Some of the things I have added on here I have never been honest enough to tell anyone – but I feel now it is time for me to really assess my life and try and find a way to heal myself. I want to find people I can get to know, so we can help each other. I’m fed up of feeling alone, feeling like no-one understands how difficult it is. It’s awkward, when ‘normal’ friends ask you how you are; I start to feel bad if every time by answer is a negative one, but for each time a different reason. People ask me why my life has no many problems; but it doesn’t, it’s just BPD…!
Take Care. x