I feel so angry. I don’t know why I am in such a bad place right now. The biggest stressor for me at the moment is my little dog is lame, she has had a problem with her foot for a little while but I’m sure there is something more sinister going on. Having dogs must feel a little like having children. I love my two dogs so incredibly much, probably more than a normal person would. Normal people understand the correct amount emotion your should feel for family pets, but me, I’m guessing I don’t have any self control in that department.
I suppose for a long time, especially when I was I’ll, my life revolved around my dog, I had nothing to cling on to. Now, they are both very special, and no-one else seems to understand why.
Everything seems so sh*t at the moment. In reality, my life is going fairly well, I have a roof over my head, money in my bank, a job with prospects, a family and animals that I love. But still, I cannot fend off myself and the feelings that I am having. I have self harming urges almost every day, and suicidal urges every few days, although thankfully those are fleeting thoughts rather than actual plans.
The thought of living with these urges for the rest of my life frankly scares the pants off me; I can’t fight it that long. I am so exhausted right now, I am sleeping well, am not exercising, but I come home after work and collapse on the sofa, unable to even move. I wish I cold get back on track, maybe I should make an effort to eat healthier, force myself to exercise, and maybe would kick start the ‘feel good’ cycle but right now I’m really not feeling it, I just want to get into bed and hide under the duvet, and wait for it all to go away.
Take care. X