So, recently I have been feeling a little lonely, so decided to try Internet Dating, and set myself a profile up on a popular, free site. So, I decided (like we peeps with BPD do) that free wasn’t good enough, so upgraded to the premium all-out service. So far I have been on a few dates, the first one I went on ended with me giving him a blow job, then hating myself for about 3 weeks as he wouldn’t reply to my texts and I felt used and abandoned by this man that clearly should ‘love’ me, the second there just wasn’t a spark, the third I ended up sleeping with but it was a complete fuck up (I might cover this in another post) and the fourth went really well until I suddenly decided I didn’t like him because he was shorter than me.
Going on internet dates is hard enough, but I go through a whole rig-marole (if that’s how you spell it) of getting ready, deciding I don’t want to go, forcing myself to go, convincing myself its going to be awful, finding it isn’t awful, falling in love on the first date and planning our wedding and the names of our children, wondering why he isn’t texting me back, ignoring him myself – you don’t have to tell me how much of a nightmare I am, I know already…
Anyway, here are some observations I have made from the hours spent browsing the site, and the dates I have been on;
1) I am a snob when it comes to the selection of a potential partner. I came to realise I had an in-built screening system when reading a profile. I did not like men who were too old or too young, too tall or too short, ginger (I just kept imagining having ginger children), were unemployed, a poor education or no car. Furthermore, their picture had to make me look twice, and spelling or grammatical errors in their profile made me think of the word ‘pikey’.
2) One should never have ‘sexy time’ on a first (or second) date. All further dates are dotted by innuendo and rude suggestions – forget going out with a ‘nice boy’, you become landed with a nymphomaniac stalker.
3) If men mention their pay check, subtract a third from the size of it. This also applies to penis size. This leads me to my next point:
4) Do not reply to men who send you messages and mention the size of their assets. (Including a picture). I took great joy in reporting people who broadcasted the latter. Replying to this type of messages will simply result in a smutty face off which although enjoyable at the time, doesn’t lead to a meaningful relationship.
5) When a man describes himself as ‘dominant’ in his profile, he is not referring to the way he likes to ‘power dress’ to impress his colleagues at work. I don’t think I really need to elaborate on this one.
6) In younger gentlemen, hair of ‘mixed colour’ is simply a cheats way of saying ‘I’m ginger’. In older gentlemen, you can rest assured ‘mixed colour’ will refer to them being as grey as the sky on a cloudy day.
7) Arriving 15 minutes early and hiding in a café opposite the place you have arranged to meet your date in the hopes on getting a sneaky peek before they do, never works. You can rest assured they will have had the same idea and you will end up opposite them anyway.
8) Never, ever burp after eating spicy food on a date. At best, you will coat your date in a green fog of gas slightly resembling the food you ate on your previous course. At worse, you have a ‘mini sick’ situation in which you are forced to swallow down your own vomit in order to save face.
9) Not having a photo could mean that he doesn’t want friends/co-workers to know he is using an online dating site. In the real world however, it means he looks like the back end of a horse and hopes that his personality can win you over before you dismiss him completely. Also, using the phrase ‘attractive’ in their profile means nothing apart from simply indicating they have two eyes, a nose and a mouth, in roughly the right positions. ‘Fairly attractive’ refers to the above, but not even in the right positions, and ‘I’ve been told I’m attractive’ means by his mother. Facebook can usually sort these three categories from each other.
10) A lot of girls will understand the pain on in growing hairs. Especially on your nipples (slightly too much information I know!). The best thing to put on these sore areas are antiseptic creams, although one must remember never to apply this cream before a date where you may be getting some ‘sexy time’. One will have a lot to explain after having ones nipple sucked. Say no more.
Does anyone have anything else to add?
Take Care. x