So, I live with my parents. I never used to – after university I lived with Jean, and then when I became ill I lived with Lyn and she became my carer. When I fell out with Lyn, I moved back in with my parents, It wasn’t the best option as they are not very ‘up’ with mental issues and so tend to block out my problems, even my cries for help, if I happen to make them. It wasn’t the best option – but it was my only one, and gives me a platform to get back on my feet.
So, on a day to day basis, I do ok, I have pretty extreme mood changes, for example in the early part of the week I was having strong suicidal and self harm urges, followed by an immediate change around wednesday to being absolutely fine again, and maybe I should address this with a medication change, perhaps going back on to the Seroquel.
However, when my parents go away on holiday (they go a lot as my Dad is retired and my Mum has a stressful job) it seems I fall apart. For some reason, when I am left on my own, a trigger flips and I lose the plot. When they are not away on holiday, but perhaps away for the day, or just one night, it doesn’t happen. But then I know they are to be away for a week or so, I go downhill. I find myself unable to feed myself, wash myself, get to work on time (or at all).
Further to that, my thinking becomes disordered. The self harm urges become stronger,and with no-one there to ‘regulate’ me (not that my parents actively regulate me but merely their presence is soothing) I am more likely to give in to them.
The last time they went away, three days into their holiday, I ended up lying face down on the living room floor, not overdosed, but in my ‘exhausted’ mood where I cannot even lift my head from its position. The doors were unlocked, the lights on, I even left the back door open for the dogs to run in and out, and a bag full of dog food ripped open for them to feed themselves. I believe I stayed there for several days, in that dissasociated state, before a friend came to check on me and found me that way.
So, the point is, my parents are going away on Sunday. I know in my own mind, I am in a better place than I was last time, but I am still concerned. They did go away for a few days over the last bank holiday but I persuaded my cousin and her husband to come and stay, not for us to DO anything special but to just BE there. They are away this next week so cannot come again, and there is no-one else I can think of, or would be able, to stay at the house to be a presence for me.
I desperately need to plan a strategy, to keep myself safe, but I don’t know where to start. When I was discharged from the NHS mental health services (because I wasn’t actively suicidal combined with NHS cuts) I asked what would happen if I had a problem, seeing as I no longer had access to the crisis team; they advised me to call the Samaritans. I can’t help feeling abandoned and let down by them. I understand you need to shout louder that the rest to get help but that isn’t me, i’m more the quiet retiring type, that is unless I’m in one of my manic or promiscuous moods, lol!
Take Care. x