So, here I am, all alone. I’m feeling pretty upset at the moment. Do bad things that people say about you upset you as much as they do me? I have a friend with ‘benefits’, it’s a good relationship for both of us, we are good friends, and we are open with each other, so it works. Anyway, this weekend I was staying at his house, and I found out that a mutual friend of ours (more his admittedly) has warned him off me, telling him to be careful. Now, for someone who for a lifetime has felt badly about themselves, and only recently started feeling a little bit more positive, things like this are really hard to take.
I always think of myself as a dirty, useless whore. Sometimes I am proud of the fact that I can handle myself in bed, other times I am ashamed. But, I realised just now, I actually am not a whore, at least, not now. I have slept with two people in the last 12 months, is that excessive, or normal? Both were not one night stands and actually meant something if that makes it any better.
Something else I realised, as I as driving home. There are times when I feel low, but don’t know why, it’s almost as if, because I don’t feel anything else, I revert to a default state of depression. Does anyone else feel this? I don’t know else how to explain it, it’s almost as if my mind can’t cope with the blank space and has to fill it with something, the only thing it knows?
Take care. X