I’ve had a realisation

For years, when I have thought about myself, terrible words spring to mind; ‘dirty’, ‘whore’, ‘slag’.

I have never been abused sexually or raped – this self hatred is of my own making, being promiscuous, loose, uncaring.

And during a conversation today, I had a realisation, the reason behind me sleeping with someone as soon as a relationship starts, being ‘easy’ – it all comes down to a fear of abandonment, and I never realised.

You see, in my mind, there is a connection between having sex with someone and them staying with me. I have so little self confidence or respect I cannot imagine them staying with me for any other reason than the pleasure I am giving them. I fear them leaving if I do not give them what they want. However, this is a double edged sword. If they do leave afterwards, because of their own reasons, I not only blame and hate myself for being easy, but also ridicule and punish myself for being unable to satisfy them too – that is obviously the reason they left me.

Don’t get me wrong, nowadays I am a lot better. I do not sleep with a lot of men, on the whole because I avoid them, but I do have this niggling fear that I will be left ‘on the shelf’, to grow old and die alone; who will want to be with someone like me?

This is referring to my past history, from my late teens up until about a year ago. And recently, while I have been trying out ‘internet dating’ I have wondered after how many dates it is normal to sleep with someone, one? two? three? Not until you love them? Not until you are married?

This extends to how much I should give away of myself. The first person I met through internet dating seemed lovely, I bared my soul to him, showed him my arms and my emotions on our first date. He lured me into bed that night, and although I didn’t sleep with him (luckily I needed a wax and embarrasement took over) I did give him a blow job, to be subsequently messed around for the following weeks. The next date I wore long sleeves that covered not only my arms but the burn marks on my hand, so there would be no awkward questions and no need for explanations. I didn’t tell him anything but found it hard to explain what I had been doing for the last few years; we didn’t see each other again.

Take Care. x

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3 comments

  1. Angel O'Fire · · Reply

    don’t feel bad for learning about who you are, and why you have done or do things, never be ashamed of lesson’s you have learn t on a hard path, in life.
    You have come to the realization of why you tended to go for the sexual relationship side of things, and should be proud of that realization, now you can gain a better understanding of other things, as they will fall into place,
    It’s amazing what one realization can do to make the other things in life that seem so scattered and confused will now find a place that they fit, and you will finally find some closure, some reason for what is going on, and start to gain control again.
    Although you may feel like this is the worst realization you can come to, honey its an assume thing, take it embrace it and say ah fuck it to the world, I have learnt something about me!
    Well done xx (((hugs)))
    Angel

  2. Your experiences are eerily similar to mine. I’ve always slept with someone soon after meeting them; sometimes on the same day. I just felt as though I needed to, and after reading your posts I’m beginning to realise it was all about acceptance and trying to keep hold of that person. I figured if I put out, they’d like it and stay.

    I fully believe that my current relationship is so much better than any I’ve had before because we didn’t sleep together straight away. We did try, but we were both very drunk and tired so it didn’t happen, and after that there were some problems with him so we waited about a month. It was perfect, and so much better than sleeping with someone straight away. It’s a totally different feeling, and I feel sad it’s taken me this long to realise that.

    Learning about yourself and the reasons why you’ve acted in these ways can only be a good thing. Well done you.

    1. Thankyou, I’m glad I helped you to clarify things in your own head too. And I’m glad you’ve found someone you are happy with xx

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