For years, when I have thought about myself, terrible words spring to mind; ‘dirty’, ‘whore’, ‘slag’.
I have never been abused sexually or raped – this self hatred is of my own making, being promiscuous, loose, uncaring.
And during a conversation today, I had a realisation, the reason behind me sleeping with someone as soon as a relationship starts, being ‘easy’ – it all comes down to a fear of abandonment, and I never realised.
You see, in my mind, there is a connection between having sex with someone and them staying with me. I have so little self confidence or respect I cannot imagine them staying with me for any other reason than the pleasure I am giving them. I fear them leaving if I do not give them what they want. However, this is a double edged sword. If they do leave afterwards, because of their own reasons, I not only blame and hate myself for being easy, but also ridicule and punish myself for being unable to satisfy them too – that is obviously the reason they left me.
Don’t get me wrong, nowadays I am a lot better. I do not sleep with a lot of men, on the whole because I avoid them, but I do have this niggling fear that I will be left ‘on the shelf’, to grow old and die alone; who will want to be with someone like me?
This is referring to my past history, from my late teens up until about a year ago. And recently, while I have been trying out ‘internet dating’ I have wondered after how many dates it is normal to sleep with someone, one? two? three? Not until you love them? Not until you are married?
This extends to how much I should give away of myself. The first person I met through internet dating seemed lovely, I bared my soul to him, showed him my arms and my emotions on our first date. He lured me into bed that night, and although I didn’t sleep with him (luckily I needed a wax and embarrasement took over) I did give him a blow job, to be subsequently messed around for the following weeks. The next date I wore long sleeves that covered not only my arms but the burn marks on my hand, so there would be no awkward questions and no need for explanations. I didn’t tell him anything but found it hard to explain what I had been doing for the last few years; we didn’t see each other again.
Take Care. x