Finding it difficult today *triggering*

Possibly why I have been posting on my blog so much today, I can’t seem to do anything else.

I am currently sat at work, I am the only one because two people are off sick. I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate. I work for my mum in the family business, and was on a phased return to work, but she seems to have forgotten that and is piling on the pressure and the work. The computer systems have gone down, the printers aren’t working, nor is the network or the databases. She has gone to lunch and left me in the office on my own. She has left me a load of work to do from the other side of the business (from the lady who is off sick) and I don’t understand any of it, I can’t even remember what she told me to do.

I’m only getting by because I have a razor with me, and I’m making really small cuts on my arm every few minutes to keep me calm, but the blood is starting to seep through the tubigrip I have on my arm. I tried phoning Jon, the person who supports me the most, but he isn’t answering his home phone or mobile, and not responding to text. I want to cry, I don’t feel like I can go on, but I can’t leave and leave my mum on her own. She had a stroke last year to do with stress and I’m sure if I got ‘ill’ again, and she had to cope with the business on her own, it would happen again.

I just wish I could think straight, and the computers would work, so I could get some of this work done. She’s going to come back from work any minute and ask me what I’ve been doing. I can hardly tell her I’ve been using her time to pour my heart out on a blog, as I can’t focus on anything apart from writing down how I feel. It’s like my head is swirling, I almost feel dizzy and sometimes my sight is going funny.

I wish someone could help me out of this.

Take Care. x

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3 comments

  1. Oh hun as hard as it will be you have to tell your mum that you can’t cope. My brother had to do this and as much as it upset my mum she coped with it (better than we probably could remember) Please put the razors down and maybe get up from the computers that aren’t working and change what you’re doing to give your mind a rest. Is there any physical work you could do for a while instead? (((HUGS)))

    1. Thankyou. I don’t know why I am finding today particularly difficult. I have just taken a 10 minute break and stepped away from the computers (there is nothing worse than finding it hard to concentrate and then not even being able to do anything because technology is failing)!
      I don’t think I can tell my mum. I know I should, but I remember vividly how she reacted last time I was ill, and she only found out that time when I was admitted to hospital after an overdose which left me on a cardiac ward for several days.
      I know people say it all the time, but they don’t understand my mental illness. I believe they blame me, either they see me as weak, or attention seeking, or that I’m doing it on purpose. Believe me i’m not, I would give practically anything to not feel like this on a day to day basis.
      xxx

      1. I know what you mean, I rarely tell people what is actually wrong with me mentally. It’s hard enough to explain the physical problems I have to most people though at least they can see the affects of them some of the time.
        I do think your mum would rather know sooner than later, you’ll probably find that her reaction will have been made worse by the fact she didn’t know and she was completely helpless while you were in hospital. If you struggle telling people face to face (wouldn’t surprise me I know what I’m like) maybe try a letter or even let her read this blog to let her know your thinking of her in all of it too but that it’s too much. xxx

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