Yesterday didn’t improve as the day went on. I spent the rest of the day watching films and trying to decide whether to drown my sorrows with Valium or alcohol. In the end, I did neither, just watched the movies and went to sleep.
My mum came into my room this morning and asked why I was so quiet recently. I know this was an ideal opportunity to tell her how I was feeling, but I just couldn’t. It probably doesn’t help I think she may have seen the cuts on my hand (they are on my palm so I could hide them but I just have a feeling) which means the shit will hit the fan very soon.
After reading a blog post from a fellow BPD sufferer I realised something. Try to imagine when nothing is going on, when you are just…. Normal. To a well person, that’s ok. But I now believe that to someone with BPD, that isn’t ok. It hurts to sit and just be, hence we re-direct into behaviours like self harming, binging and purging, drinking. Whether it is because just sitting and BEing brings such emotional pain and confusion that I cannot face it and have to find something to take my mind off it, or whether I actually do have a hole in my personality which physically stops it… I’m not sure. This requires more thought. Perhaps this is why I seem to lurch from one drama to another without stopping for so much to take a break to stop and think.
Or… Is it boredom? Was it the first time boredom and now it has become habit? For example, when I think about my parents going away and me being home alone, I automatically think of me losing the plot and harming. But why should that be? Why am I thinking that before they have even gone away? From previous experience? Or is that what I expect to happen so because of that I make it happen to fit the expectation? Sorry I’m probably not making much sense, I’m just hoping when I read this back it makes sense and can help me understand a little but more the causes of my behaviour.
Take Care. X