30 Day Challenge – Day fourteen

Day 14: A picture of you last year – how have you changed?

So, because I am trying to keep this blog anonymous (although as I am getting to know a few more people on here I am getting more relaxed about this) I will put a less obvious picture in this post;

Last year, I was in recovery from the serious issues I had been suffering from – several suicide attempts, severe self harming and various hospital admissions. I was slowly trying to rebuild my life and my dog was a big part of that recovery. Those people who are not animal lovers may not understand, but to a dog, his owner is the world. In his eyes, there is no-one greater, and that felt good. My goal in life became to become as good a person as my dog already thought I was. Getting up on a routine and taking him out helped me focus and move on with things. I ask you, if you find yourself unable to carry on living, get a dog. It will save your life.

How have I changed? I have changed a lot. I have been slowly learning how to recognise my BPD-based behaviours and to control them. For example, a big problem for me is relationships, in that, in a new relationship I feel such intense feelings of love and adoration. I tell the person I love them, will always love them, I want to get married, I want to have their children, they are my life. They obviously go along with it, they tell me they feel the same. Then, within six months, I wake up, and I realise I feel nothing; almost as if a switch has been flicked in my head. Throughout my life this has happened, and obviously has caused me to hurt a lot of people. They can’t understand how I can suddently switch off my feelings, they accuse me of lying about how I felt in the first place. BUT – this isn’t true. I was honestly saying how I felt; it’s just my feelings changed.

The point is – now I know and understand his pattern of behaviour I can tackle it straight on. Now, when I start a new relationship and feel the familiar feelings I think them – but don’t say them out loud – this prevents the awkward situations later on and I believe this is to be more ‘normal’. I suppose this also shows it is possible to actively change patterns of behaviour if you fully understand them (which I don’t yet but am working on it). I don’t know why I am afflicted with BPD but I understand that intense feelings that early within a relationship are innapropriate and will cause problems.

This is the same as when I go out of the house on my own. This time last year I would be anxious, thinking about what might happen, and getting so wound up that sometimes I would even cause problems because of this. Now, I accept the fact that I am going out on my own, and I think through what might happen and the options I have if it does. Yes, it takes a lot more planning that a ‘normal’ person, but it allows me to go out and ‘act normal’. I have had a few incidences recently when things have gone a bit to pot but over the past few weeks I have been struggling with my feelings.

One of the big things I would like to take control of is the cutting. I do not want to cut. I might think I do at the time, but that is the habit formed in my brain rather than my actual thoughts. I am working on a way of changing this and am currently looking into neuro-linguistic programming (NLP).

Take Care. x

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2 comments

  1. Angel O'Fire · · Reply

    understanding the patterns of your behavior is a great start,
    going out of our safety zone is one of the hardest things in the world to do, as we race
    to get done what we have to get done outside of home, and race back to where we know we
    are safe,
    but you will find the more you force yourself to go out of your safety zone the easier it does become,
    this I have learn t over time, although I still hate leaving the house to go out into public or to the shops
    as I have grown more intolerant to people.

    The biggest thing for you is recognizing you no longer want to cut, which is such a good start, along with of
    course learning your patterns of your moods, which over time you will learn the trigger’s to what can and does
    set them off, and learn ways to deal with your emotions that are extreme.

    Well done honey, you are doing so very well on the beginning of a journey that has been one hell of a ride
    for you up to date. At least now you know why you used to need to cut, and have a plan to work on regulating
    yourself.

    ((hugs))

    1. Thanks. ((hugs)) to you too xxx

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