Day 14: A picture of you last year – how have you changed?
So, because I am trying to keep this blog anonymous (although as I am getting to know a few more people on here I am getting more relaxed about this) I will put a less obvious picture in this post;
Last year, I was in recovery from the serious issues I had been suffering from – several suicide attempts, severe self harming and various hospital admissions. I was slowly trying to rebuild my life and my dog was a big part of that recovery. Those people who are not animal lovers may not understand, but to a dog, his owner is the world. In his eyes, there is no-one greater, and that felt good. My goal in life became to become as good a person as my dog already thought I was. Getting up on a routine and taking him out helped me focus and move on with things. I ask you, if you find yourself unable to carry on living, get a dog. It will save your life.
How have I changed? I have changed a lot. I have been slowly learning how to recognise my BPD-based behaviours and to control them. For example, a big problem for me is relationships, in that, in a new relationship I feel such intense feelings of love and adoration. I tell the person I love them, will always love them, I want to get married, I want to have their children, they are my life. They obviously go along with it, they tell me they feel the same. Then, within six months, I wake up, and I realise I feel nothing; almost as if a switch has been flicked in my head. Throughout my life this has happened, and obviously has caused me to hurt a lot of people. They can’t understand how I can suddently switch off my feelings, they accuse me of lying about how I felt in the first place. BUT – this isn’t true. I was honestly saying how I felt; it’s just my feelings changed.
The point is – now I know and understand his pattern of behaviour I can tackle it straight on. Now, when I start a new relationship and feel the familiar feelings I think them – but don’t say them out loud – this prevents the awkward situations later on and I believe this is to be more ‘normal’. I suppose this also shows it is possible to actively change patterns of behaviour if you fully understand them (which I don’t yet but am working on it). I don’t know why I am afflicted with BPD but I understand that intense feelings that early within a relationship are innapropriate and will cause problems.
This is the same as when I go out of the house on my own. This time last year I would be anxious, thinking about what might happen, and getting so wound up that sometimes I would even cause problems because of this. Now, I accept the fact that I am going out on my own, and I think through what might happen and the options I have if it does. Yes, it takes a lot more planning that a ‘normal’ person, but it allows me to go out and ‘act normal’. I have had a few incidences recently when things have gone a bit to pot but over the past few weeks I have been struggling with my feelings.
One of the big things I would like to take control of is the cutting. I do not want to cut. I might think I do at the time, but that is the habit formed in my brain rather than my actual thoughts. I am working on a way of changing this and am currently looking into neuro-linguistic programming (NLP).
Take Care. x