I realised this morning that I knew how to describe what I think goes on sometimes.
Now bear with me, but it feels almost as if my personality or ‘self’ is split into two parts – the first ‘adult’ part is sensible and mentally healthy, the second ‘child’ part is immature and unstable.
These two parts constantly fight against each other, and depending on which part wins, gives the resultant behaviour. Are you with me?
So… using the example of the need for a baby I mentioned in a previous post… the ‘adult’ part understands that it is wrong to have a baby irresponsibly, and on purpose, when I am not in a stable, happy relationship, or in a position to bring up a child. However, the ‘child’ part wants to feed the need for the baby by doing it anyway, without thinking of the consequences. This then has led to an ongoing battle within my head, and in this instance, the ‘adult’ part won out – resulting in me explaining to Simon the predicament I was in.
So this is a big realisation for me and I think a big step forward in understanding BPD. I’m guessing at some point in my life, possibly a trauma (?) caused my personality to split into the child and the adult sections. This sounds pretty similar to freudian ideas, of psycho-sexual development and fixations at certain stages of development. Also, the idea of different parts of the personality. These state that the personality is split into three sections – the id (child), ego and super-ego. I won’t explain it all here but the link could be useful if you wanted to know more.
I do wonder whether me reading the symptoms of BPD has made me worse – sometimes I think, because I know what the symptoms are, it’s ok that I carry out certain behaviours. So, for example, when I feel like cutting, a thought runs through my head, ‘this is acceptable behaviour because it’s says it’s normal for this disorder’. Surely the only thing this serves to do is make me worse? From now on I am going to make a concious effort to think other thoughts, perhaps ‘What is the real reason I am doing this?’ – because I think I should because that’s what people with BPD do? Why do I need to do it. What will have the same effect? Hopefully taking a moment to think about things logically will allow me to think clearly. Who knows if this will work but anything is worth a try.
Take Care. x