Today, after I received some more pictures from the friend who is not particularly well at the moment, I felt the familiar urges to cut.
But now I am going to take a moment to think about actually why I feel these emotions rather than just blindly accepting and acting upon them.
So, when I see a picture of self harm, I feel several emotions. I guess part of me feels like that person shouldn’t be cutting themselves because cutting is my problem not theirs. Of course, logically, that isn’t true; it is not my problem, it is lots of peoples problem. I also suppose a part of me must realise the attention that those cuts will have got – from the support of friends and family, to the nurses and doctors at the hospital – and this makes me crave it – and we all know the way to achieve it – to cut. I also imagine how it must have felt to make that cut, and the relief that person must have achieved – and want it for myself.
So now I have worked out the reasons behind being ‘triggered’ – how do I go about changing the behaviour? Perhaps I should try to explore other avenues for the attention I so desperately seek. A positive source as opposed to a negative and self destructive one. And how do I source the attention when my original actions were sub-concious? How do I treat something that I don’t know is happening until the resultant behaviour has occured (self harm)? Does that make sense? That all the parts in-between seeing a triggering picture and the self harm behaviour I later carry out – and blurry and unidentifiable!
Take Care x