One of my biggest concerns of becoming a parent (just to clarify I am not pregnant, just thinking about the future) would firstly be if there is a genetic element to BPD, and secondly how my BPD would affect how I brought up my child.
I love my parents, and they love me. But it has taken me a long time to realise that they have not given me what I need emotionally, which I am sure has contributed, if not caused, my BPD. All through my life I have a history of becoming close to a strong, maternal woman over a period of time, before falling out and being devastated, and then moving on to the next one. Off the top of my head I can think of ten different women this has happened with, and it hasn’t been until now, when I have a deeper understanding of my condition, that I can attempt to control my feelings and prevent the situation from arising. But this begs the question – what have I been lacking from my own mother to lead me to desire or need the affections of another?
If only I could identify the missing part of the puzzle, maybe I could prevent it from happening with my own child, and maybe help others to stop it from happening too. I wonder whether it was because my own mother was never really the ‘huggy’ type, and I appreciate physical affection. I do have memories or her giving me hugs as a child – but I think that stopped as I came into my teens. Perhaps I still needed it but behaved so badly she felt I didn’t warrant it? I know I was a difficult teenager, but a lot of that was down to the symptoms of BPD which began to emerge from an early age. Perhaps I needed her emotional support for matters which seemed trivial to her, but were important to me. Perhaps that is why it caused me to seek it out elsewhere.
How much of BPD is nature and how much is nuture? That is also a big question. Would my life have been a different story if I had had different parents? Should I blame them or should I blame myself? Or is there anyone that can be blamed? At the end of the day, what is done is done – now I need to focus on repairing the damage, and preventing it from happening with my own future children.
And the silly thing is – if she does offer herself in the way I want it, I don’t know what to do with it. I shy away from any affection, cringe at physical touches. I don’t know why his has happened, but I remember being with a friend and his mother when she fell over; my friend an I were about 11 at the time. He immediately helped her up, gave her a hug, and asked her if she was alright. I remember thinking that I wished I could be like that with my mother, but I really struggle to show her any concern if she hurts herself. It’s almost impossible for me to do so; perhaps I am wary of showing I am weak or caring? I would love to know the answer to that one.
Take Care. x