Day 22: What do you want your future to be like?
I want to get a deeper understanding of my BPD, and I want to be able to control it. I accept I will never be able to be free of it, or live without it, as it has been such a big part of me for so long I do feel (as many of you do) that if you take away by BPD, all I will be left with is a hollow, empty shell.
But to be able to understand my thought processes and behaviours to the extent that I can prevent them from affecting my life and the lives of those around me is my ultimate goal; to be able to live an easy life if possible!
When I am in that place, I want to be able to use what I have learnt to help other people to achieve that same goal. I did apply to be a Samaritan (it’s a UK charity which offers e-mail/telephone support to people in need) but the two things that put me off for the minute were that a) you are expected to do some night shifts and that wouldn’t fit in with my current work and b) i’m not sure I am mentally well enough to cope with trying to help that many people, and to be surrounded by that much negativity. Selfish or not, I have to heal myself before I can heal anyone else.
I wonder whether at some point I will go back to my interest in Reiki, I am attuned to Level II but rarely practice it on anyone but myself, and that is simply for self soothing. People do comment on how hot my hands are a lot of the time, but I am a sceptical person by nature who likes to have evidence for things, and Reiki is one of those things that you need to believe in.
In terms of work, I would like to maintain my health to enable me to continue working and to continue my studies. I have a honours degree, and following that I have just finished an industry specific diploma (I had to defer it half way though due to ill health but managed to pull it together and complete it).
I would like to imagine a future full of fantastic, supportive friends and family, surrounded by love and happiness. Whether that will be the case is probably dependant on whether I can control by BPD.
Take Care. x