In my quest to understand my BPD, I have come across another trigger; Stress.
This week, and last week, my mum has been on holiday, leaving me to look after the business. This isn’t such a bad thing – we have been rowing a lot lately so it is nice to have some peace and quiet to get on with my work – and I have 5 other staff here who are working – so I am not on my own at all. However, I’ve always said I will never be like my mum – she flies around all day, stressed, eating on the go, overbooking herself and never enough time to get everything done. Yesterday I turned into her. All day I knew I was getting more and more stressed, so I kept stopping, and breathing, and telling myself to let it go, but I could feel myself getting more and more wound up.
So, when I finally managed to get everything done, and get home, I discovered that Rosa, my little dog, was crippled. A little background on her – she’s been lame on her right foreleg since February, we had x-rays and a CT scan done which showed 3 tiny fragments of bone which had chipped off the elbow and were now inside the tendon. I’m in the process of getting her a referral to an orthopaedic specialist, so to come home and find her absolutely crippled on the other leg was like a big fat slap in the face.
She can’t even weight bear on it, and I can pull the leg right back so it rests on her stomach (can’t do that with the other one or either of Hogans legs) so my guess is a tendon rupture somewhere in the shoulder, perhaps because she has been compensating for the lameness in the other leg? I have no idea when she would have done it, she has been in the back of my car, her cage, in the garden, or on a lead.
I think my head was in a bad place anyway, as all I felt about her lameness, was numb. I know that being stressed causes an increase in the hormone Cortisol, which compromises your immune system, perhaps it has an affect on your brain pathways too? I felt like crying, and I felt like cutting. I have been feeling lonely the last few days as my parents are away, especially in the evenings. Feeling fat also hasn’t helped so I agreed to go on a diet with my work colleague Jaye, we have agreed to attempt to lose 2lbs per week for the next month, and the person who manages it will be treated to a manicure by the other one.
To distract myself from how I felt about Rosa, I watched some soaps on TV then a movie, the social network. Jen came online but I wasn’t really keen on talking to anyone. I love her to bits, and I know it’s good to talk, but do you ever wonder to yourself whether friends get fed up of your constant rollercoaster? When you have BPD there is always something wrong. Always something to complain or moan about. Sometimes I wonder whether Jen will get fed up of my moaning, tell me to sort myself out, get myself together. Sometimes I wonder whether people ask if I’m just to be nice, because they feel they should, rather than actually wanting to know. Those people I tend to answer how they hope I will: “Yes, I’m fine thanks.”
So, after the movie, I decided to write a list of things I had to do tomorrow. To make things a little worse, I have an ongoing problem with my tooth, and had managed to book an emergency appointment for tomorrow at 3pm. It started a few months back when I had an abcess on the gum above the tooth. I went to the dentist who confirmed I needed a root canal, took the filling out and replaced it with a temporary filling.
Two nights ago, this fell out. Now, I am absolutely terrified of the dentist. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry and be sick. I’m worried that leaving a gaping hole in my tooth will cause an even worse infection but I think it’s the thought of lying there helpless, then having a sudden excrutiating pain in my teeth is the thing that makes me scared. But as you know, when fears develop, they become a pattern. Now, instead of just being scared, I have panic attacks, I pass out, I am so nervous if I force myself to go, I lie on the chair shaking and crying, flinching if he does the slightest thing, which obviously is unsafe if he is trying to do something delicate. It sounds stupid doesn’t it, and it sounds like I’m over-exaggerating, but I promise I’m not. I don’t like to admit it because I think people will think I’m stupid.
So, my list was:
- Go to work (and sort out a pile of problems that I left on my desk last night which I won’t go into here)
- Go to dentist at 3pm
- Take Rosa to the emergency vet
- Buy some food (the fridge is empty, as soon as my parents go away I go to pot)
And then, it got wore. The lady at work who has been causing problems (I can’t remember if I used a false name for her in a previous post but I won’t name her for obvious reasons) had text another member of staff to get them to tell me she wasn’t coming in tomorrow, her son was sick. Now a) this message should have come direct to me and b) oh my fucking god. she takes these fucking liberties every time my mum goes away! I can’t operate with one member of staff down! Does she not know how busy we are??? I would love to cancel the dentist because I’m so fucking scared of going, plus I feel as though people will think I’M taking liberties while my mum is away… I can hear it now… “Oh the minute her mum goes away she takes time off…. blah blah blah”.
And, just to make things a little better, when I arrived at work this morning, I find that the entire message conversation from last night has been forwarded to the person it involved – thanks for that! Why would you forward it unless you were shit stirring?! Oh I’m so looking forward to her coming back into work now, NOT.
OK so I probably should have been a bit more tactful, but I didn’t realise the message was going to be forwarded back to her! Would you have forwarded that?! I wouldn’t!
I will not cancel the dentist. I know if I do I won’t go back. Perhaps I will just take a whole sodding packet of valium and go anyway (hopefully not crashing the car on the way). Now I need to get off my blog and get some of these problems sorted on my desk that I am refusing to look at right now. And carry on breathing.