I hate my BPD

I hate my BPD. It makes life so difficult and such an integral part of me and my personality I don’t believe it can be fixed, or rectified. BPD IS ME AND I AM BPD. I used to say that if you took away my BPD there would be nothing left, an empty shell – now I realise how wrong I was… You can’t take away BPD full stop, just like you can’t take away a beating heart or a pair of lungs. I suppose some hope comes in the form of their ability to transplant a new heart and lungs to a patient who requires them, it is a shame they haven’t worked out a method for personality transplant as yet.

I have had a tough few days, my mum has been away so I have been really busy at work, plus one of the members of staff has been calling in sick all week, so I have ended up doing the job of three people not just two. Couple that with being home alone (always a trigger point for me), feeling very lonely and getting a migraine near the end of the week, plus the stress of Rosa being lame… Well as you can imagine things have been a little difficult.

Once or twice I have had the urge to harm myself, but not with any real desire, which is an improvement. Friday was my worst day. I had an awful lot of work to do, and a large number of appointments. I skipped breakfast, but had a packet of crisps mid morning. On the way between two appointments I started to feel a little queasy. I suddenly realised that I hadn’t taken my medication for two days, and had forgotten to renew the prescription (I am only on 20mg Escitalopram daily now but get bad withdrawal symptoms if I miss it). Shit buggering shit. Fast forward 10 minutes and my head was spinning, I was in the middle of a cold sweat, and I wanted to vomit.

I bypassed the appointments and went back to the office, and promptly threw up I’m the toilet. I had some lunch which I thought might settle my stomach but that came up a little later too. I sat at my desk in front of a fan and tried to get my thoughts in order, to prioritise what needed to be done and what could wait until Monday. The pain behind my eyes was awful and I desperately wanted to go home and lie down. I was so proud of myself for sticking with it. Of course I couldn’t go home, there was so much to do, but there was a time when I would have just said “fuck it, I’m Ill” and gone home.

So I managed to get my thoughts in order a little. I had got myself in such a state I didn’t think it was possible to even think let alone do. Writing lists definitely helps to lift the mist and get things a little clearer. Also, looking round the room and trying to find things that begin its certain letters also helps, especially when I find myself disassociating.

Thankfully one of my colleagues took me to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription so I had my meds, so that problem was sorted. I cancelled the rest of my appointments and went home, and lay on the sofa to relax. I think it was brought on by stress, causing a migraine. I’ve never had one before but I’m pretty such that’s what it was, especially as wearing sunglasses seemed to help.

Take care. X

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