Why does BPD always fuck things up?
I think I have mentioned my friend Jen before. She is older than me, lives about two hours away but we got to know each other through dogs, and now we chat every night/throughout the day on facebook and through text, and I stay at her house a fair bit as there seems to be quite a few events going on close to her house so it’s handy for me to stay.
She is like a role model to me, like a big sister. But recently, I have been noticing that my feelings towards her would probably be innapropriately strong for our ‘friendship’. Don’t get me wrong – they aren’t sexual/of a lesbian nature. I love her, and I think I love her too much. Right now, if she asked me to do anything for her, I would do it without question. I see little gifts and want to buy them and send them to her (I did a couple then had to stop myself because I didn’t want it to become awkard). I do this for a lot of people, I don’t think I am trying to buy them, I genuinely think I am trying to show them how much I care for them (perhaps because that is the way I was shown as a child?).
Why do I love her so much? I don’t know is the answer. Perhaps because she is so supportive to me, there for me all the time. I know if we are sat on the sofa together I want to cuddle her. Not because I fancy her, but because I just want the body contact that makes me feel safe and loved. In fact, I crave that full stop, not just from Jen. I need someone to wrap their arms around me, hold me and make me feel safe and protected. I have realised over the past week quite how lonely I am. A boyfriend is not the answer as I would be too clingy and needy – which would put the nails into the coffin of any relationship before it had even begun.
I stayed with Jen and her partner this weekend, and I found it really difficult to regulate my feelings. I absolutely love spending time with her, but I just wanted to be in close proximity to her all the time, but know this is innapropriate, that I would come across as clingy, needy and annoying. I find myself wanting to please her, to do things for her, to make her love me, maybe because I feel no-one will love me for being me, instead I have to give them something to love me for. This has happened before with other people, the exact same situation. All these friendships have ended badly, normally because of the way I have reacted to something; probably a percieved rejection.
I don’t want this friendship to end this way. I want to be able to manage my feelings and turn them into normal feelings that you would feel for a close friend. But to do this I need to know what the normal feelings are, seeing as I have never had them, and so I don’t actually know where to start!
Take Care. x