I am feeling very anxious this morning. I didn’t want to get up, or come out of my room, having one of those days when I don’t want to face the world. I suppose not suprising really, as the last time I saw my Dad he was slamming a door in my face. But, bracing myself, I got up and tried to act normal. Had some breakfast, cuddled the dogs, had a shower and got ready for work. As I was leaving, my Dad shouted after me… “And make sure you keep your mouth shut today”. I turned round and asked him outright, why he was speaking to me like that, so agressively. He asked me how else he should have said it, and I said, perhaps, saying ‘Be careful how you are today, as things are heated at the moment’. He told me not to be so stupid, that he wasn’t going to pander to me. Perhaps it is pandering to me? Maybe I should just man up and take it? But what he doesn’t realise, is that his words affect me more than they would another person. His words left me staring at a pile of Valium last night, wondering whether I should take an attempt on my life.
Don’t get me wrong, I know how hard it is to overdose on Valium. Maybe that is what made it so inviting. Or perhaps it was I had nothing else, apart from Aspirin, and I am not keen to repeat that experience.
Last night I did something I never thought I would do. I gave the link of this blog to someone I know. I was trying to decide whether or not to do it. On the plus side, I know I have nothing to hide, but I like feeling I am free to write exactly how I am feeling, without worrying what people will think of me, or think about it. This person was Jen, and now I worry she will back on from me after reading my blog.
I know I am not a normal person. I know my feelings are innapropriate. But I can’t stop them. I feel like I have so much love to give, but I don’t want it’s intensity to scare people away. I am not a bad person, I am not dangerous, and none of this feeling is dirty, or sexual – I do wonder whether it was because, growing up, I feel I was shortchanged in the maternal affection department, and now, perhaps I am over-compensating. I think back over my life so far, and have realised that certain situations may have arisen due to this ‘flaw’ in my personality’. The situation with the bus driver – I obviously gave him the wrong signals and he kept hold of that. The situation with Jean – was I ever really gay? Or did I feel about her like I currently feel about Jen, and she manipulated that into what she wanted? I loved Jean, I would have done anything for her, just like Jen. So when she asked me to sleep with her, to sleep with her husband, to take on her obnoxious kids, her negative equity mortgage, of course I agreed. It was only two years later I began to realise I couldn’t be what she wanted me to be. When the hell she put me through finally over-rode the affection I felt for her and it all became clear. I know Jen won’t take advantage of me, in any way, but I also don’t want her to feel smothered. I just want it to be normal, I want her to feel affection for me.
How do I regulate my feelings? Perhaps I urgently need to look into DBT therapist based in Bristol. I know these aren’t normal feelings. Perhaps if I had a boyfriend whom it was socially acceptable to love this way, things would be a little different. But like I said before, I don’t believe that is the route I need to take. I don’t want a boyfriend, I don’t want the pressure of a relationship just now. I still have Simon (name changed), but I am far too confused about that situation. Simon could give me the physical affection I need (sex or otherwise, although I’m not particularly interested in sex at the moment either) but I don’t think it would be fair on him to ask, or allow him to give it to me, knowing full well I don’t feel the deep rooted feelings he does, I am just after the superficial close affection to make me feel better. Am I destined to live like this, constantly feeling strong feelings of affection for other people, getting myself into trouble when people take it the wrong way, or is there a way to change how I feel? To change this pattern?
On another note, the diet is going well. I started at 11 stone 12 the monday before last, and I am now 11 stone 8. It’s been really difficult, I have lived through many cravings – chocolate, biscuits, doughnuts, junk food, and haven’t given in. I have had several urges to binge/purge but am glad I haven’t given in to those either. Due to my previous binging/purging behaviour it now hurts to purge, so I am sure there is some damage there.
I have also been thinking about whether I need to stand on my own two feet a little more, maybe get my own place. My parents own four houses (including the one we live in), so there is a chance I may wait until one of those becomes vacant and live there – an easier option as it may be difficult finding a house to rent with my two dogs. The thought of it is exciting – but it is also daunting. I don’t know how to cook – I am limited to pasta, toast, and the occasional stir fry. I know how to do laundry and clean, but I don’t have a particularly good track record of looking after myself, especially when my parents go away and I find myself alone. Alone. That is a scary word. A BPD sufferers biggest fear. I did consider asking if Hannah wanted to get a place with me, but I don’t think she could afford it, and I don’t want to end up footing the bill.