I’m a failure

Why do I always get things so wrong? Why do I think I know it all?

I took my little dog, Rosa, to the vets this morning for her referral appointment with an orthopaedic vet. He sat me down and went through the whole story (I’ll keep this brief:)

I went to Florida in February, and while I was there, she went lame. The friend said she had chased a rabbit and she had pulled something, which I accepted. Fast forward two months, of her being on/off lame and me not doing anything about it, hoping it would go away with rest, and while on a walk, she suddenly became very lame. When I picked her foot up, she had what looked like a thorn embedded inside it, nestled between the pads. Not being able to see it clearly, I stupidly panicked and pulled it out, only to find it was not a thorn, but a wart, later confirmed by biopsy as a wart caused by the ‘Papilloma Virus’.

Fast forward six weeks, and she is still lame, so we made the decision to have the base of the wart removed, and a small wart that had also appeared on her left elbow. As a precuation, I also had her shoulders and elbows x-rayed whilst under the anaethetic;

Fast forward another month, and she is still lame. I push the vet for a referral to have a CT scan done on the right elbow/shoulder to see what is going on, as the radiologist had identified some questionable ‘areas’ in the x-ray which could have possibly been a degenerative disease. The CT scan was done, and it would found that there was mineralisation inside the tendon attached to the elbow, and I was advised to rest her.

However, during this time, she becomes lame on the left leg, crippled even. I go back to the vet, who tells me it is a biceps over-extension. At the time I demand a referral to the Orthopaedic vet, and finally, almost two weeks later, I get to see him today.

It turns out, that he believes the original lameness is still attributed to the wart inside the paw, that the CT scan was pointless, and the injury is actually on the left leg, an injury known as a ‘Biceps point of origin’ injury. Why didn’t I know this? Why was I was blinded that the lameness was on the right? Why am I so goddam stupid?! I don’t deserve animals, I thought I knew it all, didn’t I.

This happened once before. My horse was lame, and I was convinced it was a tendon injury. Of course, I knew it all. I had my fancy degree in ‘Equine Science’, letters after my name. I treated it as a tendon injury. When the vet saw him he told me immediately it wasn’t a tendon injury, it was puss in the foot. I was so ashamed, so embarrased. I was so stupid. That night, I drove out to an old country lane, next to abandoned water pumping station. I drowned my sorrows and stupidity with vodka, valium and paracetamol. I was eventually found by police helicopter, more’s the pity.

So, I have left little Rosa at the vets. She is having an arthroscopy (camera into the joint) to see what is happening, then, if they find what they expect, they will ‘section’ the tendon (basically cut it) so it re-attaches in the correct place and doesn’t cause any more problems. They also found subtle arthritis in the joint but I guess that will have to be dealt with at a later date.

I feel so guilty, and terrible. I need to be punished for this.



  1. Hey stop right there being so hard on yourself you not only took her to a vet you have fought all the way down the line here to get her fixed. it seems there are a few people here who may share some blame but you are not one of them. you have been to all these animal health specialists and I am guessing if it is like here in the UK they have all taken nice big chunky cheques for them..yes them the ones with the training and degress etc to miss this. No you stay strong cause all she is gonna want when she gets home it lots and lots of mummy cuddles

    1. I live in the UK too and yes, they charge a small fortune don’t they! I just feel as though there is more I should have done, maybe I should have realised rather than let it just go on for so long. 😦

      1. you went far beyond what most people would, most would have accepted what the first vet said and done nothing else honestly hun If you read your post pretend someone else had read it and then ask yourself what you would say to them…you will see you did everything you could

      2. if you want to laugh thinking about vets bills it cost me £86 quid earlier to have a guinea pigs balls snipped because the pet shop lied when they sold my little boys gran two ‘male’ guinea pigs we only found out the truth when baby appeared….. if you look at it pound of pound they gotta be worth as much as beckhams golden balls lol

  2. I’m not going to ‘like’ this post as you are being far too hard on yourself, however I LOVE the fact that you are so passionate about your animals and fight so hard to keep them healthy. We all make mistakes with our pets, since they can’t tell us what’s wrong we spend their entire lives trying to guess what’s wrong with them and we’re not always going to be right! You’re dogs are so lucky to have an owner like you, my Toby came from a rescue centre and had not been so lucky in who had had him beforehand, they are the people who should be punished not you. I hope Rosa’s home soon for plenty of pampering, treats and cuddles on the sofa xx

  3. Thank you. I’m picking her up at lunchtime 🙂 x

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