I wish I were a glow worm, a glow worms’ never glum. How can you be upset when the sun shines out yer’ bum?
I don’t know why, but I’m feeling pretty sad right now. Not unsafe, just sad. I should be on top of the world. Over the last few days, I have been making plans for the future. I’ve been to the bank, and been approved for a mortgage, and my parents have agreed to provide the deposit for me to buy my own house. I’ve been scouring the internet but there’s not much about, in what I’m looking for.
I’m pretty sure I want a little cottage somewhere. It doesn’t need to be big, but I love the character of old, quirky places, and it needs to be within 25 minutes of home, ‘just in case’. I’m pretty scared about living on my own, but I think once I get my head round it it probably be the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I need to learn how to cook though, but I’m sure that will come.
I’m not sure why I’m feeling like this. I’m staying at Jens this weekend as there is a dog event on Sunday, so I’m looking forward to that. Rosa is being really difficult at the moment (as I expected) as she is stuck on crate rest, but that’s not a particular problem. The diet isn’t going to well, in fact this evening I had a major binge, and ate 5 chocolate bars in one sitting. OK – so perhaps I just knocked the nail on the head. That’s probably why I’m feeling so sad. My lack of willpower sometimes astounds me. I did have a fleeting urge to purge, but was out at a dog training event at the time and knew it would be hard as my stomach wasn’t full.
Sometimes I miss my eating disorder. There – i’ve admitted it. It gave me a sense that I was doing something real, something towards my goal. I hated being out of control, and the pain and havoc it caused, but I felt like I was special at times. I’m now 11 stone 8, and am on target with my wieght loss plan that I am doing with my colleague at work. I need to be 11 stone 6 by the 26th July, so that gives me 2 weeks to lose another 2lb. It seems like I can’t stop binging now. I have to get back on track. I miss being this thin:
It made me feel confident, but then I also became a whore. I don’t want to go back down that road either. It seems, not regarding my weight, I swing from non-confident and frigid, to over-confident and promiscuous. Does anyone else experience that? I think it’s a BPD thing but I’m not sure.
Anyway, feel a bit better now I’ve blogged a little bit. I know I’m being silly and I’ve realised I’m feeling bad because I binged. I need to deal with the consequences of that behaviour.
Take Care. x