I don’t know if I’m even articulate enough to get out what I need to say. I feel like a useless piece of shit. My mind is broken and so is my body.
Today I have driven up to stay with Jen for the night. We have a dog event tomorrow which is close to her house, but I feel awkward knowing she has read my blog and knows some of the things I have said about how I feel about things.
On the way, I stopped at TESCO, and phoned ahead to ask Jen if there was anything she needed. I didn’t do this automatically, I did it because I thought about it, and realised it would be a helpful thing to do. I am not a naturally nice and helpful person, but I work hard and try to be. I also bought a bottle of wine, to say thank you for having me to stay again, and a book.
The book. It is Fifty shades of grey, the first book in the series of three, and I had told Jen I would lend it to her. As it happens, someone else had asked if they could borrow it, and I didn’t want to say no, but I didn’t want to let Jen down, so bought another one. I know it’s over the top, but I couldnt bear it if she didn’t think well of me.
When I arrived, I still felt awkward. I found myself walking, and having to physically think how to walk. Left leg, right leg, swing arms. Sometimes I have to do this to carry on. I found it difficult to speak so I am sure Jen, and the other people there thought I was being moody. Every time I opened my mouth to speak I felt a knot of anxiety in my stomach tighten. I had a realisation. I am not normal. I cannot carry on like this. Am I even beyond help? This realisation a) makes me contemplate suicide and b) makes me want to harm myself.
I’ve been saying for a while how much I need a hug. A person like me doesn’t deserve hugs. I deserve nothing because I am not normal. I am flawed. I should have been aborted when there was a chance. I desperately wish for some accident to happen, not my fault, so my parents could have a reason for my death, rather than I just didn’t want to live any more.
I hate my body. I understand it is merely a vessel for our soul, but it makes me ashamed on a regular basis. I am fat, despite what other people say. If I don’t breathe in and tense my stomach muscles I look pregnant, and I have a muffin top. And then there’s the hair, I know is it caused by having poly cystic ovaries but it is becoming unbearable. Apart from the hair on my head, which is bearable at worst, and I actually love at best, the rest is unwanted. Extra to normal body hair, my hair is thick, course and black like a man. I get four hairs coming out of one follicle in places. It grows (from top to bottom) on my eyebrows (excessive amounts and really long, although you would never know as I obsessively pluck my eyebrows for about two hours each day), my cheeks, my upper lip, my chin, my neck, around my nipples (i shit you not, it grows like pubes and I constantly have oozing sores around my nipples from ingrowing hairs and wonder why I have no confidence), from my belly button downwards (I think it’s called a happy trail??).
Don’t even get me started on my bikini line. It is thick, and grows from halfway across the tops of my thighs, right underneath and almost half way across my butt cheeks. To give you an idea of how bad it is, I wouldn’t be able to wear a bikini without removing it (or looking German, lol). I know this is too much information. I don’t care about the shame any more, I want people to understand why I hate myself so much. If I don’t trim my bikini line, it grows and grows, and knots. It’s unhygienic and it’s disgusting. I like to have a Brazilian bikini wax but the pain is almost unbearable so I have to be in a good place to have it done. I get ingrowing hairs on my bikini line which ooze and sting, and a horrendous rash if I shave which makes it painful to even sit down.
My legs are almost as bad, they look like a mans. Thick, dark and course, with several hairs to each follicle. I also have hairs on the tops of my feet, toes and fingers, hands, arms and upper arms, all thick and dark.
When I have a full leg and Brazilian wax, it takes up to 1.5 hours which doesn’t even include my underarms which seem to grow about 1cm per day and I always seem to have a dark shadow there.
Those are the main issues with my body, apart from a few small ones like my wonky smile (can’t do anything about it), horrible rough hands and horrible nails (go for regular manicures, put hand cream on at least 10 times per day minimum), the scars on my arm, the hard skin on my feet, that never seems to go despite me trying everything I can think of.
With regards to my mind, that problem is obviously. In short, I am a terrible person. I am selfish, stupid, ignorant and self obsessed. Add on BPD, why would anyone ever want to be around me? Why would anyone want to be with me? Sex – yes I can understand. Men like pussy, and as a friend always says, you don’t look at the mantel piece whilst poking the fire, do you?!
I just want this to be over. I don’t want to go tomorrow, I don’t think I can face socialising with people. I want to cry. My eyes well up when I think about things too much. My parents have now gone on holiday so I am home alone for 7 days. Maybe I should end this shit now.