I found this post, made a couple of months ago, and locked. Reading through it shows me how far I have come over the past 18 months, how better things really are. Yes, I am worried about my declining mental health, but at least I still have some functionality in my life and am managing to work, to do things with the dogs, and for the most part, keep myself safe.
Original Blog Post April 28th 2011
After returning from the Overdose, it was almost as if I was on lockdown. Lyn continued to hide the pills and razors, she locked all the doors and took my car keys away from me. Every now and again she would slip up and I would manage to cut, but I desperately wanted to end my life and it almost became like a game to me. My mental health was still declining, despite being visited daily by Vicki, my CPN, and regular appointments with Dr Cranmore, my allocated psychiatrist.
One day, Lyn slipped up. I managed to get hold of my car keys, made it to my car and drove away. At first I did not know where I was heading, apart from the fact I needed to get pills, this was my chance to end it all. I knew that you could only buy two packets of paracetamol at any shop, so drove from shop to shop so that I could buy more. I then found myself at a layby in a quiet back country lane, out of sight of the road, by an old water sewage works. I found the only piece of paper I had in my car (a training list for the dog) and started to write my suicide note. I knew this time I felt different, that I actually really did want to die. Whilst writing the letter, I cried and cried, feeling sorry for myself, and for the people I was going to leave behind. Despite knowing that it would arise suspicion, I text the people most important to me, telling them that I loved them. I figured that by the time they received the message and had found me, it would be too late anyway, although thinking back I also suppose there must have been a part of me that was holding on, hoping that maybe I would be found in time. Normally, it was a case that I didn’t really want to die, I just didn’t know how to carry on living. As time went on, and the number of overdoses I had taken increased, it almost became an automatic reaction to a bad situation, I began to forget the seriousness of what I was doing, it was almost as if it became something I did without thinking.
As I sat there and wrote the letter, the phone rang, it was Lyn. She was crying, begging me to come home, to not do it. I told her I had to, and rang off. Next it was Vicki, who tried to persuade me to tell me where I was. When I wouldn’t she told me she had to go, unless I told her. At the time, I remember thinking that she was abandoning me, but now I understand she was doing what she knew would make me come home – playing on the fact I didn’t want to be abandoned.
I started taking the pills, as fast as I could. Soon I became drowsy, but suddenly the place was swarming with police, from two cars and a helicopter which had landed in a nearby field. Without realising it, Vicki had kept me on the phone long enough for them to trace my location. When the policeman came to my door, I told him I had been an escort. I wanted him to arrest me, if I couldn’t die I at least wanted to be locked away. He told me that everyone does something stupid and that I needed to go to hospital. The next thing I remember is drifting in and out of conciousness, being taken to hospital, through A&E and into CDU. I was then put on a Parvolex Drip, from memory it was 15 minutes, 4 hours and then 16 hours (?) and I was allowed to go home once my bloods were clear.
NOTE: This is an old note from an old suicide attempt (described in the previous post) – please don’t panic – I am not currently suicidal.
Please note: I appreciate this is very personal to me, but I am trying to use this blog to discover what has happened in my life to make me this way, and get me this far. I have blanked out certain parts to protect both my anonymity and the anonymity of the people involved in my life. I know this note may be very triggering, so if you are concerned, please don’t read it. If you do read it, and are triggered, please, please get in touch with someone who can support you.
Take Care. x