Wasting life

I feel a bit deflated now. I recieved in the post this morning the most recent copy of ‘days eye’ – the quarterly magazine I recieve from my old school, from which I was a pupil from age 11 – 18. It is filled with achievements from current pupils, and news of teachers, and ‘old girls’. As a former pupil, I am a member of the ‘old girls guild’ (don’t ask – I went to a private school – it’s just something they do!

First of all, looking at pictures of my old teachers, and everything the current pupils are up to, made me feel very sad that I wasted my school years by being ‘sick’. During the time I was there, I caused trouble, I constantly was attention seeking, I had eating troubles, I was self harming, and it later years was threatening/attempting suicide. I wasted all those years when I could have been having a good time – like the pictures I’ve been just looking at.

Looking at pictures of my old teachers pulled on my heart strings – this comes down to my whole ‘innapropriate attachement’ problem – it was almost as though I was obsessed with my teachers (particular ones). I idolised them, tried to offer my help to them, in fact I would go so far as to say I loved them. I will never forget one day, giving my form tutor a teddy bear which held a sign saying ‘Best Teacher’ and thanking her for all my support, then later overhearing her tell someone the teddy bear was from a ‘tortured soul in her tutor group’.

I knew how I felt was wrong, I just had no way to deal with it. In fact, I didn’t even know what was causing it. I didn’t know whether I was a lesbian (in fact I didn’t even want to consider that idea due to the bullying I would have had to endure if I was) or whether there was something wrong with my brain. At this point, I knew nothing of BPD.

Anyway, at the end of this magazine, is a little section where ‘old girls’ can write in to tell everyone how they are doing. Lots of my fellow pupils are getting married, having children (I knew a lot of this from facebook anyway), and a lot of them have high powered jobs. Most people from this school go to university to do medicine, dentistry, physiotherapy, law… and a lot go to Oxford and Cambridge (top UK universities – think the UK version of Harvard). I must have been such a dissapointment to my parents, going to do a degree in Equine Science at an agricultural college. What a waste of thousands and thousands of ££££ worth of education – I expect they hoped I would become a doctor, or a lawyer. Instead, I came out of university with no real prospects, and ended up working for my mum, a job I could have done with practically no education at all.

I suppose the moral of the story is, I could be looking back in 10 years time, thinking the exact same thing about how I am living my life now. I can’t turn the clock back, I can’t go back to school and have that time again, so I guess the only thing I can do is look forward, try to live life to the full and make sure I no longer have to live with any regrets. Please, please use my experiences to stop yourselves from wasting your own lives too. I have already lived nearly 24 years being unhappy, upset and anxious, and as a result I am damaged. I don’t want to waste another 25 years, so I going to do my damn hardest to beat this BPD, or least, learn to live life to the full, whilst controlling it.

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3 comments

  1. I went to my school reunion a few years ago and remember feeling a complete failure stood along side of some of them but the thing I realised was a lot of them were putting on the same fronts themselves against others. Most of us lack your courage to put our feelings out there for all to read we smile posts happy status’s on fb and pretend that everything is wonderful I know I have done it myself, take what you read about your former classmates with a huge pinch of salt they are telling the world what they want them to hear it doesn’t mean it is the full truth

    1. You’re right. And to be fair, I post an ‘image’ of my life on facebook – really happy go lucky, no worries at all – oh, how wrong could that be. This blog is my outlet, and that is the reason I don’t tell people I know in ‘real life’ about it. Don’t get me wrong – close friends know the real me, but most ‘facebook friends’ know someone entirely different. x

  2. Hello my love. I understand the intense like connections with teachers and whatnot. I don’t act on it as much but I feel those same odd things. I understand you on a lot of this. I think you’re lovely though and haven’t wasted your life. You may not be doing what everyone else (or even what you want) but you have made yourself into such an awesome person. Remember what I said the other day? No matter what you do good or bad, I’ll still love the fuck outta you. I’m pretty sure other pekoe that way, too. You’ve not wasted ANYTHINGGGGGG. I’m proud of you though. I’m glad you want to beat the BPD. You’re so strong. I love you dollface. Xxxxx

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