I feel a bit deflated now. I recieved in the post this morning the most recent copy of ‘days eye’ – the quarterly magazine I recieve from my old school, from which I was a pupil from age 11 – 18. It is filled with achievements from current pupils, and news of teachers, and ‘old girls’. As a former pupil, I am a member of the ‘old girls guild’ (don’t ask – I went to a private school – it’s just something they do!
First of all, looking at pictures of my old teachers, and everything the current pupils are up to, made me feel very sad that I wasted my school years by being ‘sick’. During the time I was there, I caused trouble, I constantly was attention seeking, I had eating troubles, I was self harming, and it later years was threatening/attempting suicide. I wasted all those years when I could have been having a good time – like the pictures I’ve been just looking at.
Looking at pictures of my old teachers pulled on my heart strings – this comes down to my whole ‘innapropriate attachement’ problem – it was almost as though I was obsessed with my teachers (particular ones). I idolised them, tried to offer my help to them, in fact I would go so far as to say I loved them. I will never forget one day, giving my form tutor a teddy bear which held a sign saying ‘Best Teacher’ and thanking her for all my support, then later overhearing her tell someone the teddy bear was from a ‘tortured soul in her tutor group’.
I knew how I felt was wrong, I just had no way to deal with it. In fact, I didn’t even know what was causing it. I didn’t know whether I was a lesbian (in fact I didn’t even want to consider that idea due to the bullying I would have had to endure if I was) or whether there was something wrong with my brain. At this point, I knew nothing of BPD.
Anyway, at the end of this magazine, is a little section where ‘old girls’ can write in to tell everyone how they are doing. Lots of my fellow pupils are getting married, having children (I knew a lot of this from facebook anyway), and a lot of them have high powered jobs. Most people from this school go to university to do medicine, dentistry, physiotherapy, law… and a lot go to Oxford and Cambridge (top UK universities – think the UK version of Harvard). I must have been such a dissapointment to my parents, going to do a degree in Equine Science at an agricultural college. What a waste of thousands and thousands of ££££ worth of education – I expect they hoped I would become a doctor, or a lawyer. Instead, I came out of university with no real prospects, and ended up working for my mum, a job I could have done with practically no education at all.
I suppose the moral of the story is, I could be looking back in 10 years time, thinking the exact same thing about how I am living my life now. I can’t turn the clock back, I can’t go back to school and have that time again, so I guess the only thing I can do is look forward, try to live life to the full and make sure I no longer have to live with any regrets. Please, please use my experiences to stop yourselves from wasting your own lives too. I have already lived nearly 24 years being unhappy, upset and anxious, and as a result I am damaged. I don’t want to waste another 25 years, so I going to do my damn hardest to beat this BPD, or least, learn to live life to the full, whilst controlling it.