God dammit BPD!

I need to cut. Nothing particularly traumatic has happened today, I don’t feel particularly upset over the house any longer (dissapointed yes but not upset or unstable), so the other things I can think of which may have triggered me include a) My parents holding a BBQ tonight with all their friends and the stress of that happening (I’m not a fan of big social gatherings) and b) I read chapter two of the DBT book which made me feel all sorts of different emotions, including; self-pity that I haven’t had help that is described in the book, anxiety that I won’t be offered this therapy even though I’ve applied for it, or even if I get it, it won’t be good enough, hope that maybe there is something out there that can fix me, and regret that I have let BPD rule my life for almost 25 years already.

The book is written for the therapist treating the DBT ‘patient’, and consistently re-inforces how difficult it will be to treat them efficiently. This does not give me much hope for my recovery.

I am trying to distract myself (so here I am, writing a blog post), following a brief dissasociative incident earlier (it wasn’t full dissasociation, but I suddenly felt exhausted and couldn’t move, until I employed a technique described by my CPN of trying to find things in the room that begin with certain letters to kick my brain back into gear).

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4 comments

  1. Well not sure where you are in the UK but the heavens have just opened here so the bbq could be quite short. Did you watch olympic opening ceremony last night? You notice I am trying to help distract you here am watching the swimming right now after a terrible day for team GB

    1. Thanks 🙂 I’m in Bristol. I loved the opening ceremony, didn’t really get it to start with but by the end was really impressed 🙂 🙂 🙂

      1. ahhh might take a while for rain to reach there from yorkshire lol I loved the cauldren when it started moving that was really cool

  2. Jaen Wirefly · · Reply

    Recovery happens. Keep reading, keep posting and you’ll see you will get better. Even a little better is still better.

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