I need to cut. Nothing particularly traumatic has happened today, I don’t feel particularly upset over the house any longer (dissapointed yes but not upset or unstable), so the other things I can think of which may have triggered me include a) My parents holding a BBQ tonight with all their friends and the stress of that happening (I’m not a fan of big social gatherings) and b) I read chapter two of the DBT book which made me feel all sorts of different emotions, including; self-pity that I haven’t had help that is described in the book, anxiety that I won’t be offered this therapy even though I’ve applied for it, or even if I get it, it won’t be good enough, hope that maybe there is something out there that can fix me, and regret that I have let BPD rule my life for almost 25 years already.
The book is written for the therapist treating the DBT ‘patient’, and consistently re-inforces how difficult it will be to treat them efficiently. This does not give me much hope for my recovery.
I am trying to distract myself (so here I am, writing a blog post), following a brief dissasociative incident earlier (it wasn’t full dissasociation, but I suddenly felt exhausted and couldn’t move, until I employed a technique described by my CPN of trying to find things in the room that begin with certain letters to kick my brain back into gear).