So, let me start at the beginning.
Yesterday morning, the phone rings, and it’s the estate agent; the vendor has pulled out. Apparently she’s been having some boyfriend trouble so has decided to stay where she is and not sell up. Initially, I don’t think the news sank in. Of course, I knew nothing was set in concrete until he had exchanged, but I had imaged myself living there from the moment I saw it, I had planned with broadband I was going to have, where I was going to put the furniture. People kept telling me I shouldn’t get excited, but I let myself, and now I am desperately dissapointed. Strangely enough, I haven’t had a ‘borderline’ reaction to the news; my reactions have been those of a normal person – dissapointment, despondancy and perhaps a little bitterness. No psychosis, no urges to self harm or punish myself because I must be a ‘bad person’. I have just accepted that this house wasn’t meant to be mine, and am working towards moving on with my search.
The rest of the day went pretty smoothly, although it was the first day I had started back at ‘full time’ work (as in starting at 9am rather than 10am). This was the final stage in my ‘phased return’ to work – which started 4 hours twice a year over 18 months ago and has slowly risen up to normal working hours. I have no problem working full time – my own issue is whether it causes tiredness in the evening – which I have identified as a massive trigger point in my ‘borderline’ thinking patterns and associated behaviours. I suppose only time will tell, and I will need to make sure I take it really easy, pace myself, and try to make it work the best I can.
After I arrived home yesterday, I did feel a little tired. which wasn’t a good sign. Jen seemed a little distracted, then vanished completely (we talk through Facebook Chat every night) although I presumed this was because she was watching the Olympic Opening Ceremony. I watched the whole thing, and damn, it was incredible. That said, unless you were British, i’m not sure you would have understood most of it!
After it had finished, I had a sudden pang of anxiety. What if something had happened to Jen? What if something happened to a member of my family? Then, out of the blue, a panic attack hit me. What if someone I love crashes their car? What if they get hit by another car? What if they fall down and hit their heads? I think of how easy it is to die, and how hard I tried to make it happen (and obviously didn’t suceed). There are so many people I love, and so many different ways they could get hurt. How will I cope? How will I cope when I lose my parents, when I inevitably will? I’m not a normal person, with normal stable emotions. Maybe DBT will help with this?
This morning I woke, but Jen still hadn’t text me. I had a dream, I couldn’t really remember much, but knew it involved her dog, Hugo, and something bad happening. Sometimes, I have had dreams, which become reality. (I’ve mentioned this in a post before). Perhaps it is because the dreams are very general and can be co-incedentally linked to circumstances, perhaps it IS something deeper – I don’t know. I’m pretty cynical but it happens an awful lot.
I text her a couple of times, and phoned her, just to make sure she was ok – but no reply. I started to panic, but was trying to keep a hold of it, and I didn’t want her to think I’m clingy, needy or paranoid (yes, I know I’m all of those things, but it’s not exactly nice for other people to have to bear the brunt of it!). What makes it worse is that earlier this year she was poorly, involving a short hospital stay. I’m terrified something might make her unwell.
Luckily, around lunchtime she text, telling me she had left her phone in the car. Yes, of course, that’s what normally is the reason behind people not texting back, but when I am panicking it doesn’t seem a good enough explanation. I feel a lot better now though knowing she is safe.
One negative, however, is that I have just sat and eaten an entire packet of fruit shortcake biscuits, after having battered sausage and chips (childs portion) for lunch, and cream cheese bagels for breakfast, AND we are having a barbeque tonight. I don’t feel the urge to purge, which makes me feel like a disgusting, fat pig. I had a hilarious conversation with Princess Lexi from thee truth is which included us sending pictures to each other of our fatness. I know I am not obese – I know that. BUT, (and Lex don’t go f’in spazzo on me here) I DO NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. I need to do it healthily, and slowly. Watch this space.