So it seems there wasn’t really much point in me asking in an earlier post how long to wait before discussing with a new partner your mental health history and showing them scars. I went on the ‘second date’ tonight with this man I met through an online dating site, and give him his due, he was the perfect gentleman. He paid for the meal (despite my protests) and took me to see a movie (Ted – hilarious – go watch it!). He wants to see me again on Sunday. He kissed me like I was something special. So what am I complaining about?
I’m going to tell him I don’t want to see him again. Despite him being attractive, I don’t fancy him. Despite initally thinking, yes, this will be ok, I don’t want to have sex with him. He held my hand walking to the cinema, and it took every since ounce of self control not to grab it away; I was completely uncomfortable with the public display of affection (not with him, but just PDA’s in general) although thankfully manage to rein my horror in to save his feelings. He trie to hold my hand all through the film too, until I made it really obvious that I was looking for things to do with my hand so that he couldn’t keep hold of it (scratching, clasping my hands together, fussing with my bag).
I am torn into two different directions. I so desperately want someone to love me, but as soon as someone does, I run away. Yes, go ahead, accuse me of leading him on, but it hurts me to know I can’t stop this. Will this always happen? Should I just give up now and be on my own? Going out, getting drunk, and having reckless, meaningless sex is so easy. It’s fun, it’s free, and there is no anxiety involve. Having a relationship – that’s different. There’s pressure, there’s stress and there’s anxiety. Does it make me a bad person to want to take the easy option?