Relationships; I am such a fuck up.

So it seems there wasn’t really much point in me asking in an earlier post how long to wait before discussing with a new partner your mental health history and showing them scars. I went on the ‘second date’ tonight with this man I met through an online dating site, and give him his due, he was the perfect gentleman. He paid for the meal (despite my protests) and took me to see a movie (Ted – hilarious – go watch it!). He wants to see me again on Sunday. He kissed me like I was something special. So what am I complaining about?

I’m going to tell him I don’t want to see him again. Despite him being attractive, I don’t fancy him. Despite initally thinking, yes, this will be ok, I don’t want to have sex with him. He held my hand walking to the cinema, and it took every since ounce of self control not to grab it away; I was completely uncomfortable with the public display of affection (not with him, but just PDA’s in general) although thankfully manage to rein my horror in to save his feelings. He trie to hold my hand all through the film too, until I made it really obvious that I was looking for things to do with my hand so that he couldn’t keep hold of it (scratching, clasping my hands together, fussing with my bag).

I am torn into two different directions. I so desperately want someone to love me, but as soon as someone does, I run away. Yes, go ahead, accuse me of leading him on, but it hurts me to know I can’t stop this. Will this always happen? Should I just give up now and be on my own? Going out, getting drunk, and having reckless, meaningless sex is so easy. It’s fun, it’s free, and there is no anxiety involve. Having a relationship – that’s different. There’s pressure, there’s stress and there’s anxiety. Does it make me a bad person to want to take the easy option?

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12 comments

  1. I totally understand what you are saying. I chose to stay alone for many years because it was so much easier to just have casual “friends”. Now, I am almost fifty and my dating days have been over for several years now. I am alone. Which is still fine, but I am at the point where when I look into my future, I see me dying alone with no one who loves me lol. Sometimes the one that turns us off is exactly right for us. I think that maybe women want the bad guy instead of the gentlemen, because when you date a keeper, you feel like you have to be perfect. You just know he will leave you for someone else. It is a defense mechanism I think. Plus, bad boys seem like they are better in bed lol. But If I had it to do over again, I would have given some of the good guys a chance.

    1. Are you scared of being alone?

      1. no I’m not scared of being alone. I rather like at this point, but I feel it may be harder when I am old. I get streak of loneliness sometimes, but doesn’t stay around long. Having blogging friends, family ( my children especially) and of course Gods presence fills the void pretty well. I always tell my kids to put me in a nice home when I am really old so I can sit and talk old ppl.s heads off till I croak lol

  2. Angel O'Fire · · Reply

    I can certainly relate to the not wanting to hold his hand, much less be touched, as I get funny about that too, however honey, give it a chance, who knows I guess its better to have given it a go than to just shut it down before your really sure on how you want things to be, whats the worst that can happen from trying? and on the other side of that whats the worst that can happen if you say now oh fuck this shit, and blow it off? will you forever wonder if you and he had a chance? will you forever kick yourself for allowing the fear we all fear, which is the fear of the unknown, beat you?
    My advice to you honestly is to take things one step at a time, there’s no law stating that you will sleep with a guy your seeing, and a time frame in which to do so, just let what will be, be………(((hugs))) Angel

    1. Thank you so much for your reply. At least I know it’s not just me. BUT – being afraid of the PDA so early on in a ‘relationship’ – is that a Borderline thing, or is it a normal person thing? xx

  3. I can’t say whether it’s a ‘normal’ person thing but I can tell you I’m the same, it made one of my relationships very difficult when he would try to hug/kiss me in public. But I wouldn’t put the relationship in the trash just yet it’s only been two dates and maybe you just need to give the anxiety over a new man in sober surroundings to calm down. Could you try having a night where you cook for him at home or something? see if being alone is any easier for finding out if there’s really a spark? xx

    1. That’s a good idea. Although I am a little concerned… I don’t want to ‘lead him on’ – and I have no concept of what construes that within relationships (crappy Borderline and no social skills) !!

  4. Maybe I’m just destined to be on my own. Relationships are too hard for people like me 😦

  5. I absolutely hate affection in any form but I think for different reasons. If you were to tell this to my therapist he would say that you are a self punisher. Duh right, but sub conscience self punisher. You WANT to have a close relationship, you WANT to be loved. But when it comes even close to getting that, either you’ll sabotage it or downright cut it off. You’re punishing yourself by taking away what you want. I do the same thing but in different ways. Sometimes self punishment comes out physically with cutting and stuff, and sometimes it comes out like that. As for how to fix it… I don’t know. The type of therapy I’m doing is working. It’s helping me SO much. But what I’m doing might not work for you. Maybe just knowing what you’re doing and that you’re not doing it on purpose will help? I don’t know.

    I don’t think you’re destined to be on your own. I think you’re going to continue to get better and better and eventually relationships won’t be so hard.

    And just a note about leading him on…. he’s a big boy. He can handle it. You’re doing your best.

  6. Hi,

    I don’t even know where to start really, but I’m going through a terrible break up with my SO -whom I believe is an uBP. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes as I’m not borderline, at least don’t think so. Anyway, your experiences mirror hers and I’m just trying to find some answers and I’m wondering if we could chat. Maybe help both of us get a little bit more understanding.

    I have to say reading this blog post especially kinda made me mad and hopeless all at the same time. I love her truly unconditionally, but her behavior is similar in the things you describe like pushing away, even though that’s really what she most craves.

    Don’t know how all this stuff works but if you could pm that would be fantastic! Hope your having a good day. 🙂

    Hurt and confused,
    K.

    1. Hey – I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through that. You can’t PM on WordPress (I don’t think!) but let me have your e-mail and I will help in any way I can xx

  7. I’d love and be so appreciative for helping me getting a better understanding from your perspective. You can pm me at kariehamilton@yahoo.com

    All the best,
    K

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