Tomorrow night, I am going out clubbing with my friend Hannah for her birthday. It’s been planned for a while, and she’s really excited about it. The problem is, I’m not; I have had growing anxiety over the past week just thinking about it. I’m anxious about going out, bearing in mind how I feel about myself and my body at the moment, and I was anxious about the fact that Hannah would be expecting me to get completely drunk and out of control. Cross a Borderline with drink and the results aren’t pretty – in my case it’s instant whore ~ just add Vodka. That’s not the person I want to be, hence why I very rarely drink, not even at home. I’m just about keeping myself together, keeping myself safe and stable without alcohol, add that in to the mix and it’s a recipe for disaster.
So, I’ve been thinking about this over and over again, and came up with a brilliant idea, I offered to drive – this would save Hannah money (she doesn’t have any) plus it would give me a reason not to drink, perfect solution!
However, tomorrow, I have a dog show, which would have been fine, as I could have slept all sunday if we were going to be getting back in the early hours of Sunday morning (like I have mentioned before, tiredness is a real trigger for me). Unfortunately, (although very luckily) I found out that a show which I thought was happening next Tuesday (it normally happens on a Tuesday each year) is actually on Sunday. Panic stations! I thought about it, and decided I would tell Hannah that I was still coming (even though I really would rather not go) but couldn’t stay out late because of the show being on Sunday.
Hannah is not happy. When we go out, we are meeting literally 20 of her friends from work, and partying with them. This in itself makes me completely uncomfortable. Picture it; out in town surrounded by drunken crowds trying to grab you, with 20 people you don’t know and won’t look out for you, plus one friend who is sharing her time with 20 other people so also can’t look out for you ~ the thought makes me sick. I’m willing to do it, because it’s Hannahs birthday, and I don’t want to let her down, but I’m really trying hard to put my foot down and make the point that I need to come home at a reasonable time as I have an early start on the Sunday.
I told Hannah it may be better if she finds another lift (or has a taxi) although I know that’s not an option as she can’t really afford a taxi from town; so I feel as though I’m being a real party pooper and I’m going to ruin her birthday. Maybe I should say, fine, I won’t go to the show, but these shows are important to me, they cost a lot of money to enter, and I guess I’ve been dreading going out for so long I’m quite glad to have an excuse to come home early.