Fugly

Fugly = Fucking. Ugly. (Yes that’s me).

I am having a very bad night. Every time I look in the mirror I see this disgusting person looking back at me. FAT FAT FAT. Rolls of it, everywhere. Why can’t I stop eating???? Because I am weak. I’ve known this all along. Anorexia the god, bulimia the devil. I need to do something. I need to get rid of it all. I can’t bear to look at myself. How can anyone care about me?! Look at me?!

Someone asked me once whether I thought I may have body dysmorphia. Yeah right, my body really is this bad. I want to cut and not stop. I don’t deserve any protection, I am scum, I deserve nothing. Forget about helping me, some people are beyond help and i am one of them, so please leave me to wallow in my own filth. I wish I was dead. I want to cover my skin in cuts, I want to feel the sting and know I am getting what I deserve.

People say I should be grateful to be alive. I shouldn’t take life for granted. I don’t care. I don’t want to be here, I wish I was dead. The only thing stopping me is my responsibility to my two dogs, and the pain it would cause the ones I love. I won’t be that selfish again. I just have to hope for an accident that takes the decision out of my hands.

I hate myself more than I can explain in words. I feel completely worthless. I wish this would end but I suppose the best torture is to protect other people from pain by carrying on living.

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One comment

  1. it is a bad day it will pass hun and there are lots of us who totally disagree with you if you can’t believe in yourself believe in us when we tell you you are worth lots I know your head tells you not to listen to us and that we have got it wrong but listen to your heart do you really believe we would just say it for the hell of it, hold on in there hun

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