Fugly = Fucking. Ugly. (Yes that’s me).
I am having a very bad night. Every time I look in the mirror I see this disgusting person looking back at me. FAT FAT FAT. Rolls of it, everywhere. Why can’t I stop eating???? Because I am weak. I’ve known this all along. Anorexia the god, bulimia the devil. I need to do something. I need to get rid of it all. I can’t bear to look at myself. How can anyone care about me?! Look at me?!
Someone asked me once whether I thought I may have body dysmorphia. Yeah right, my body really is this bad. I want to cut and not stop. I don’t deserve any protection, I am scum, I deserve nothing. Forget about helping me, some people are beyond help and i am one of them, so please leave me to wallow in my own filth. I wish I was dead. I want to cover my skin in cuts, I want to feel the sting and know I am getting what I deserve.
People say I should be grateful to be alive. I shouldn’t take life for granted. I don’t care. I don’t want to be here, I wish I was dead. The only thing stopping me is my responsibility to my two dogs, and the pain it would cause the ones I love. I won’t be that selfish again. I just have to hope for an accident that takes the decision out of my hands.
I hate myself more than I can explain in words. I feel completely worthless. I wish this would end but I suppose the best torture is to protect other people from pain by carrying on living.