I’m not ok

I’m lying here on my bed, in bra and pants, and I feel empty.

I am supposed to be getting ready to go to the Balloon Fiesta with Hannah, but I am so hideously fat everything looks awful.

I just cut and it won’t stop bleeding. I’m just holding a tissue to it but it stings like a bitch. There are so many people that are going to be angry with me over this. You promised you wouldn’t, you promised you would call me, you promised you would talk to someone.

Last night and this morning I feel as though life is a movie and I am sat in the audience watching. Things are happening around me but I don’t feel here. I know I need to pull myself together.

I’m sorry. Sorry I didn’t do as I promised. But on this occasion I needed to be punished.

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4 comments

  1. Oh hun you didn’t need to be punished, I think living with BPD is punishment enough for anyone without adding to it. When you feel that way I understand why you felt it was a way to regain some control, but have you ever tried any other methods to ‘switch off the movie’ as I think of it? Sometimes I find something as simple as going out in the garden, changing the radio station or doing something grounded like cleaning can manage it. It was a slip, but not a failure, you’re on the right path and have just taken a slight side step, you’ll get back on it again xx (((hugs)))

  2. Bourbon · · Reply

    You don’t need to be punished though I respect you feel that way. Hope you feel better by the time you read this x

  3. dramajunkiee · · Reply

    I feel fat most days in my clothes. It can trigger a bad day. I totally understand watching yourself like a movie. Like you are empty, not sure what to think, not caring what to do, like you just want to sink in a hole and knowing it won’t make a difference to the world. It will pass, it always does (although it comes back…) Just know you WILL feel better. Maybe not yet but soon. Xoxo

  4. Am not gonna click like but wanted to let you know I stopped by and am thinking of you there must be something in the air but hung in there sometimes it is hard to believe there is still light at the end of the tunnel but its there somewhere we have just gotta keep faith in that am having a really crap time as well at the minute so I know it is easier said than done

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