As time goes on, I find myself faced with situations which are increasingly harder to deal with, especially when I am continually trying to do the right thing.
Following on from this recent post where I explained the situation which has arisen involving Simon (brief recap – he is a ‘friend with benefits’, an arrangement which has been going on for nearly 18 months. We are good friends, in fact, in October we are planning on going to Iceland for a week together. The arrangement is simple – there are no ‘attachments’, no strings, and if either of us started a relationship with anyone else, the arrangement would end. We based the arrangement on honesty, and lots of talking).
So, on Sunday, I found out that he has a new girlfriend (and I’m thinking he only told me because she was there, being all clingy, and so he had to).
First off, I am hurt that he didn’t have the decency to tell me when it first began. I believed our relationship was based on trust and honesty, but he couldn’t even be upfront with me – and that says a lot. Whether or not he thought it would upset me – he still should have been honest.
Secondly, I feel scared and upset that I no longer have this arrangement. Yes, the original rules were not attachments, but come on, I’m Borderline for christs sake. Attachment is my middle name. Even if I don’t want him for myself, I don’t want him to leave me. I don’t want to not have him any more.
I talked to Jen about this in depth last night, and tried to make her understand the Borderline view point, which I think she did. It all comes down to the fact that I desperately seek physical reassurance (perhaps because I never got it as a child?). What I mean by this, is cuddles, hugs, affection. None of it is of a sexual nature. I just need to feel close to people, and that is what makes me know that they love me.
Jen made a very valid point. I can’t just keep Simon holding on for cuddles, and the occasional sex. I have to let him go, and let him enjoy a new relationship, he deserves that, as hard as it is for me. It’s tearing me up inside but I just have to force myself to do it. I suppose this is the true reality of living with BPD and man, it’s hard.