I am still feeling good – so am not going to over analyse that too much and just run with it. I’ve had a lovely weekend, with lovely people, and the ‘project’ I’ve been working on was given to the person involved – and it went down so well.
Basically, I’ve been thinking for a little while how amazing Jen is and how much she does for everyone else, but never takes any time for herself. I know, maybe I am letting myself my BPD/obsession/putting on a pedestal feelings a little bit but at least I am aware that that might be the case.
Anyway, first of all, I thought maybe I should buy her a day at the spa, but a) I can’t really afford to do that and it be a decent one, given that I have a potential house purchase coming up, b) she wouln’t make/have time to go and c) She would probably find it awkward accepting an expensive gift like that. So, I thought and thought about what I could do, and ended up with a little kit in a decorated shoebox. It was quirky, but I put a lot of thought into it. The video should make everything become clear;
I gave her the box, and sat with her while she opened it. She loved it, and she was a little emotional, which made me feel like I had really made her happy. It feels so good to make people feel like that. It is better than any other feeling in the world, and far better than anything I could do for myself.
On another note, Simon finally got in touch with me, after nearly a week of ignoring my calls. I was starting to turn into a freak, wanting to call him over an over again until he picked up, but I managed to control myself and leave the ball in his court. He apologised about not calling and said he had been working all the overtime under the sun to save money for the holiday to Iceland (we are going together) in October. This past week I have been feeling less and less like I want to go with him, but knowing this makes me feel like a real bitch if I pull out. I told him how stupid he made me feel, and that I felt he didn’t respect me enough to tell me about his new relationship instead of letting me find out the way I did, and he apologised.
I’m glad I am feeling these ‘real’ emotions rather than borderline emotions. It feels good. It feels more normal.