There are a couple who live close to me who I get a strange ‘vibe’ from. We see each other every now and again, mainly at dog events, but I am never invited to their events like other people are, and when we speak, it seems to be very strained.
Unfortunately, the woman has known Jean for most of her life – I have no idea how friendly they are now but they are still facebook friends. The man doesn’t seem as hostile towards me but I suppose that is normally the case, isn’t it.
This strange relationship has been ongoing for the past few years, especially as they have done several things that I haven’t agreed with regarding their dogs; breeding one of them, it seemed like, just for the money, training a puppy too young, etc etc. Although, now I realise, these observations I made were my own only and as such, I should have kept them to myself. I didn’t. I talked about them to people, I bitched, I gossiped. Why did I do it? Perhaps it made me feel like a bigger person. Maybe it made me feel popular by slagging someone else off. Either way, it was wrong. I like to think of myself as an honest, genuine person but how can I be, when I slagged this couple off in this way and then conveniently forgot that I had done so? I don’t believe this is a borderline thing – I think this is a nasty, small-minded person thing.
Yesterday, after finding out that several people I know went to a BBQ at their house that I wasn’t invited to, I started to wonder really what the problem was between us. Perhaps I had drawn the shutters down on the comments I had made about them, perhaps my mind was protecting itself against the negativity I had created, who knows?
I sent her a message on facebook reading:
“Hi, I just wanted to have a little chat with you. I really like you, and want us to be good friends, but get the feeling you aren’t too fond of me and wanted to ask whether we could discuss it?”
This morning, I received a reply back.
“Yes, we could discuss it but I think it would be hours of conversation and you wouldn’t take notice of anyway… you seem to have a habit of saying the wrong things about us or the dogs which does have a knock on effect… the latest being when you said I’m only breeding my dog for money. I’m prepared to meet up but like I said I don’t think you’d be interested to hear what I’ve got to say.”
Now, it was news to me that they were aware of the comments I had made. In fact, I only have a vague memory of saying them. Like I said, perhaps I have this perfect image in my head of being a good person, and my mind takes away or blocks out anything that doesn’t meet that ‘ideal’. I keep saying things – and almost immediately forget them. Did it make me feel good? Yes. Why? I don’t know. Like I said, perhaps I feel like people will like me more if I make them like this couple less.
“If you are willing to listen then I would be grateful if you could give me a chance. Could I perhaps come over one evening this week?”
She replied – “Ok”
So, now I need to work out what I am going to say to her. I owe her an apology, I know that. But how will I make a good enough one? Do I deserve her forgiveness? Probably not. I wouldn’t be able to find it in myself to forgive someone how had consistently slagged me off – so why should she?
As much as I find it difficult to admit it that I have said these things about people, I am forcing myself. I deserve to feel the same of being so nasty. I want to be one of those people were people say “Oh, she doesn’t have a bad word to say about anyone” about – but at the moment, I’m not.
My immediate reaction is to harm myself. To punish myself for being a bad person. But I see now that this is not going to gain anything. It is going to be a vicious circle. I need to stand up and deal with the consequences of my actions and that is exactly what I am going to do.
I feel as though I am on a journey to become a better person. I have done some bad bad things, some my fault, some not, some caused my BPD, some not, and I do feel that if I am to move on with my life I need to make them right.