Feeling pants tonight.

Not really feeling good tonight. Upon reflection is it probably due to a number of factors (don’t feel you need to read this post, it is just me airing how I feel and getting it out – believe it or not it helps).

First of all, the situation with my mum today started off the bad evening. Secondly, I didn’t manage to get over and see the lady that I needed to clear the air with. I had a girl coming with her dog for some training at 6.30pm and so hoped I would be able to over there after I finished work at 5pm. Unfortunately, half an hour before I finished work I received a facebook message asking me to come after 7pm when her children were in bed. I asked her if 9pm was too late, to which she replied, yes, it was. This left me in a little bit of a predicament as I didn’t particularly want to cancel and mess her around, and then have another day to feel anxious about having to speak to her, but I also didn’t want to seem flippant and send her a facebook message.

In the end, I decided I would send her a facebook message but I would make it as sincere as possible;

“Hi. I didn’t really want to do this through facebook but as logistics are a little difficult, I can’t get to you tonight at a time that is good for you, and I don’t want to mess you around.
First of all, I’m not going to deny that I have made comments that are offensive to you, about you and your dogs. There is no point – I made them. I have no explanation for it, other that I was being bitchy, and perhaps It made me feel a bigger person by berating you.
All I can do, is completely sincerely apologise for the fact that I made these comments, and that they will have caused you and your family to be hurt and upset.
Like I said, I have nothing that can explain why I said them, other that I said what I felt at the time, and I shouldn’t have.
Of course we are all entitled to our own opinions, I am sure that you have yours of mine, but Im also pretty sure that you won’t have been discussing me and your opinion of me with other people, which only makes me feel worse.
I know I have been a really horrible person towards you, perhaps it was jealousy, pehaps it was that I was intimidated by you, or perhaps it was because you have a link with Toni that I would rather forget.
Like I said, these are not excuses, more reasons for my appauling behaviour.
All that is left to say now is that I do understand what I have done is wrong. You have no reason to forgive me, and of course, I don’t expect that. But I do really like you and would like to clear the air, otherwise I wouldn’t have sent you the original message in the first place.
Anyway, I understand if you do not want to respond but I do ask that you don’t allow my small minded comments to cause you any more hurt.”

Her reply:

“I will keep this as short as possible…firstly you are right about one thing when you say I haven’t been discussing you, the only person I have spoke to is ****** as she needed a friend and a big shoulder to cry on when you came into their lives.. unlike you I do not bitch to all and sundry about any matters true or false. I’m 39 years old with 2 small children a husband and a crap horrible illness, I haven’t got the time or energy for petty people to try and make my life hell. I’m aware of some of the things you’ve said about me, people aren’t as discreet as you think they are!! What concerns me is the level of hatred you seem to have towards me and my family when you don’t know me, as you say we are all intitiled to own opinions (most of us keep them to ourselves). I’m also struggling to understand why you “really like me” when alls you’ve done is be a bitch to me. Respect and friendships are earn’t and made and you Shelley have made your bed. You cannot possibly undo the damage and hurt you have caused.”

I feel – I feel numb. She is right, of course. I am a terrible person, and I have made my bed – now I must lie in it. I gave myself hope that she would accept my apology and show me forgiveness but of course, she shouldn’t. I don’t deserve that. I feel like I need to punish myself and I need to cut to feel that pain that I have caused her and her family.

She is also right about ****** (hidden name for obvious reasons). How many times will I allow myself to fuck up other peoples lives? How many times will it take before I realise I would protect other people from myself? If I cannot be a good person I should stay away from people. I never knew ****** needed support. I haven’t discussed this particular situation on this blog but to cut a long story short I became friendly with ********’s father, who is married. He was supportive of me when I was ill, and in and out of hospital. I never knew it affected ******** and the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. What have I done – again?

Despite feeling exhausted, I still managed to put four loads of washing on, and tidy up my room, and change my bed linen (I’ve actually been sleeping on it with no bedding at all for the last few days because I’ve been too tired (lazy?!) to put any on it. I feel better now I’ve done something towards looking after myself but I also feel like I could fall asleep right now and sleep for at least 12 hours. I’m hoping that the tiredness is because I am now back at work full time rather than anything more sinister.

On the house front, nothing remotely suitable has come up. It’s depressing seeing as I had found that beautiful, lovely cottage that I was so in love with, and then it all fell through. I desperately want to find myself a place I can call home, get myself settled and really start work on improving my life. At the moment, although I am stable at my parents, I do feel as though I am in limbo.

One nice thing is I have made a new friend recently who is determined to make me realise that she cares about me. She is a lovely, lovely person (I know that you are probably reading this – stalker… – so yes – this is for you. I am so grateful that you are taking the time to be there, and that you care. I might seem ungrateful but I’m really not. I just struggle to accept your kindness because I don’t believe I deserve it.

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8 comments

  1. Feel better..xx

  2. I don’t like to ignore a blog just because the blogger is airing how they feel, cause I do that a lot and it feels good to know someone is reading it, even if I can’t do a thing to help your situation lol. I am glad you chose to make your bed nice instead of harming. Good for you sweety. You are in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs)))

  3. mylifewithbpd · · Reply

    I hope you feel better. I am glad you have someone in your life who is a positive.

  4. I think most people if they are honest have bitched about someone who didnt deserve it at some point, and okay it can’t be undone but actually recognising your actions and apologising are big steps, ones a lot of people don’t take. your illness actually give you a lot of insight into what it is to be human, to make mistakes and admit them, i know you believe it makes you a bad person but really you are no worse than the majority of people at some point just more honest about it and feel more deeply about the effects of your actions than most do, maybe we can all learn something from you

    1. Thank you. I still have a lot of learning to do but I’m trying my best. xxx

  5. […] my parents are away, and left them for the afternoon with Kim, a new friend I have mentioned before here. When I went back to pick them up later, we got chatting as she had friends staying for the weekend […]

  6. […] well. The only blip was my clash with a woman I have previously had problems with, described in this post , this post and this post. Since that situation arose, I haven’t even uttered her name, let […]

  7. […] wrote I wrote about the situation with a couple that lived locally to me, here, here and […]

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