I am sat here, at work, holding back the tears that have been threatening me for the past 10 minutes. I can feel the familiar haze of dissociation closing in on me, sinking down until it swallows me up. My mum never changes. I just received a public dressing down in front of other staff members, because my holiday rota has been confused and we had to spend 15 minutes going through it with me. She was becoming more and more irate, I could tell, and so was I. In the end, she told me to shut up, and get on with my work. Her public dismissal would have been humiliating enough, but it now doesn’t take an idiot to work out why I am having trouble with other staff respecting my position. I am supposed to be ‘second in command’ but it certainly doesn’t feel that way.
She has always been this way. The other members of staff have always been her ‘girls’ – me? I’m just someone who came out of a wasted education which she paid for, and she gave me a job out of sympathy, and I never left. Regardless of how much I bend over backwards for her, work my ass off for her, it will never be good enough. I will always be the girl that wasted her life, whom she had to give a job.
She has been going on and on over the past week about things I haven’t been doing round the house – my room is a tip, I have about 5 loads of washing to do, the floors haven’t been cleaned where the dogs have covered them in mud. I know I need to do these things. I know I need to catch up. But since I have added the extra hour on to my day and started at 9am in the morning instead of 10am, I have been so exhausted, I have been coming home from work, eating, walking the dog (and sometimes I am even too exhausted to do that) and then lying on my bed and watching TV for the rest of the night, until I crawl out of bed, turn the lights off and fall asleep. It is no way to live, I know that. I know I need to pull myself together. I am not doing the training I am supposed to be doing with the dogs. I am not looking after myself properly. I am just so exhausted.