Yet again, last night, I did a lot of soul searching. I replied to the last message saying:
“I appreciate your reply. I didn’t realise my friendship with ***** had affected ***** in that way and I am sorry for that. I take in you comments and I know that I was wrong. Like I said, I have no excuses. As you know, I haven’t been well, and that has had an impact on my behaviour. I respect you and how you are trying to live you life and yet again can only apologise for what I have done. I was not expecting you to accept my apologies, I can only hope that by you knowing I am remorseful will make any upset I have caused slightly easier to swallow.
It it makes you feel any better I have already punished myself for what has happened and can honestly tell you from the bottom of my heart that it will not happen again.”
As yet, I have had no reply, although I probably don’t deserve one. When I try to analyse why I said the things I did, I can’t understand why. I believe it started a few years back when I first met her (lets call her C) and her husband. On first impressions she was friendly, but very competitive and intimidated me. She had a link with Jean (she went to school with her and then stayed in touch) that I only realised at a later date. I can’t remember when I first took a dislike to her, but the first comments I made were about the fact that she was too competitive, and coming second wasn’t even good enough for her and her family (she has two small children). This comment was based on the fact that I was competing with her husband at a dog event, his first, and when he won second place, his only comment was ‘Well it wasn’t first’. I would have given my right arm (perhaps my left actually ‘cus that one is ugly) for a second place so perhaps I was feeling like he should be grateful too.
As time went on, more and more things annoyed me about her, but looking back, they really were none of my business. The fact that she trained her dogs too early – not my business but I still felt the need to talk to people about it. The fact that she was having puppies with her bitch, and had said to me she was going to use the money to pay for a new horse lorry – something which goes completely against my philosophy of breeding dogs but yet again, not my business and I should have kept my mouth shut. This is not a case of me talking to the wrong people. This is a case of me opening my mouth and making comments about someone when I had no right to, and should have kept them to myself.
After I sent that last message, I could feel myself yet again starting to dissociate. Things started becoming hazy and I had an overwhelming urge to harm myself. I needed to punish myself for being such a bad, nasty person. I started talking to Jen and copied her the messages that had been sent back and forth. In her no nonsense way, she told me that this is something I cannot take back, but I have to learn from my mistake.
I told her I had to go, mainly because I needed to harm myself, and because I was starting to struggle concentrating. I feel my mind slipping away. Thankfully, she made me stay, and I suddenly had probably one of the most important realisations of my journey so far. If I cut myself, I would hurt her.
This realisation was like a knife in my heart. It shocked me. It was almost as though, in that moment, everything had become clear. This isn’t about me any more. There ARE people that care about me and no matter how bad things get, I have to put them first. For the very first time, I was able to think of someone else when I got into that dark place, and it pulled me out of it.
It shocks me how much I feel for Jen. I would do anything to stop her from feeling any form of pain. I love everything about her, and I don’t believe anything she does, or anything she has done would change that. I know she doesn’t need my protection but I feel very protective regardless. Like I had said before, none of these feelings are of a sexual nature, in fact I struggle to put them in a ‘box’. I look up to her – she is my role model, and when I don’t know what to do, I trust her thoughts and advice completely. She says she doesn’t know why I have put her on such a pedestal, but isn’t that just a typical Borderline thing. I just hope desperately that part two doesn’t kick in – taking her down and disregarding her. I can’t imagine ever doing that to her, but then it has happened in the past. I just have to hope I have learnt to control my emotions enough to stop the past from repeating itself.
I am hoping I have finally found a way to stop my self harming for good but I suppose only time will tell.
A little later, in bed, I found myself talking to her about Rosa, and her impending re-homing. She is going at the end of September- when I go over to Europe to a show I am meeting her breeder and giving her back. I know that this is the right thing to do – she needs to go to a home that can handle her – but it is breaking my heart every time I think about it. I ended up crying uncontrollably, unable to breathe. I am so glad that I am able to feel this emotional pain in a ‘normal’ way rather than my old methods which would have been to take a razor to myself or overdose. I am not saying that when the event actually happens I will be able to avoid those behaviours but I am hoping that with the support of friends I will be able to, and that will be a big step forward for me. The problem comes when I begin thinking “She doesn’t really care, It won’t hurt her, She won’t know” – all lies which I could use to justify self harming, to make it ‘OK’ in my head.
I felt very lonely last night. Yes, I was talking to Jen, and a new friend Kim – both who love me very much, I know that. I just felt as though I needed someone to wrap their arms around me and make me feel safe. I know that being on my own is my own doing – I push everyone away who gets too close in a romantic sense – but last night I just needed a hug, someone holding me until I fell asleep.