I have had a lovely few days – a lot more soul searching has gone on – but lovely none-the-less.
Yesterday I went to Go Ape with some friends. Firstly, I was just happy to be invited, and included. No matter how many times I am included in things or invited to places, it still doesn’t seem to sink in that people actually like me. Writing this out now, I am still feeling uncomfortable saying that people like me. Perhaps I feel as though people will think to themselves “What is she talking about? She thinks people like her but they don’t” or similar. But I know they wouldn’t have invited me if they didn’t like me – so I’m just going to have to get my head round it.
I took the dogs with me as my parents are away, and left them for the afternoon with Kim, a new friend I have mentioned before here. When I went back to pick them up later, we got chatting as she had friends staying for the weekend that I already knew through dogs/facebook, and ended up staying for dinner and then for the night.
I ended up talking a lot about some of the things that had happened through my life. I had never been to Kim’s house before but it is one of those houses you walk into and immediately feel at home, like you have lived there all your life. It is an old farmhouse, huge, and very character. It even has a pantry – I was in awe!
The more we talked, the more open I became. Pam, the lady that was staying didn’t know my background but she had been through some similar issues and despite me expecting her to be judgemental, she wasn’t. I believe I have now got to a pont in my life where I no longer feel like I need to hide my past, although that isn’t to say I will be shouting in from the rooftops. My biggest issue with writing this blog was ‘what if someone found it, and used it against me?’. I’ve actually realised that I don’t care if they do. I weighed up the positives (Therapeutic for myself and hopefully helping a wider audience) against the negatives (Someone finding it who could cause trouble for me) and made the informed decision on what more is important to me – helping people and helping myself. So what if someone finds it? I have nothing to hide. Yes – I have done bad things, but I am remorseful for those. Everyone, I believe, is entitled to make mistakes – the reason why I am very quick to forgive people who hurt me, alongside the desperate need for people to like me, no matter how much of a bad person they are.
We talked for hours and hours – and covered a lot of ground. I began to realise that I was starting to feel anxious and dissociate as some of the subject matter we were covering was quite painful to remember. I have made progress with dissociation as instead of it allowing to happen, I chose to do something about it. I moved from the sofa and cuddled Kim, which made me feel safe. Although I still felt a little hazy I was no longer anxious and could carry on the conversation. Kim is one of those people who is naturally maternal. She doesn’t have her own children but she should be one of those people who have a million children and enough love to go around them all. She is beautiful inside and out – even though she doesn’t think it – and I am so lucky to have found her. The more people I discover the more I realise that life doesn’t have to be about proving myself – I can just be me and she loves me like that anyway. It is the same with Jen – in the beginning I tried hard to make myself something I am not because I thought it would make her like me more – until I realised that she loved me just as I am.
I did send Jen a quick message as I knew she would be concerned that she hadn’t heard from me and I wasn’t online. She is another person I am so grateful to have in my life. I can’t put in to words what an amazing woman she is; she says I put her on a pedestal but I firmly believe she deserves to be there.
Being close to Kim made me feel safe, and it made me feel loved. I believe this is one of my deep rooted issues – growing up neither of my parents were physically affectionate, depsite me being a physically affectionate child. Any idiot can see that this will lead to a child who desperately seeks affection and attention – and this has never gone away. Of course, it has got me in to a lot of trouble with men and women alike. There I am – searching for affection, but it comes across in the wrong way. They think I am coming on to them (not to be confused with ‘summer mode’ where I really am coming on to them) when in reality I am just looking for security and affection.
I did feel concerned as I was on one Sofa with Kim cuddling and Pam was on the other. I did consider asking her if she wanted to come over and join us but I didn’t know her that well and didn’t know whether she would take it the wrong way, or whether she was a person that appreciated that sort of affection. I didn’t want her to be upset, or feel like she was left out.
Through spending time with these amazing people I am starting to realise that I AM a good person, and that the bad thoughts I have about myself are part of my disorder, instead of my lifelong thinking that ‘I am a bad person but make up for it by doing nice things for people’. I am going to make myself do a daily affirmation, and tell myself five good things about myself every day. You should too!
On another, very exciting (!) note, I have had an offer accepted on another house. I won’t post too much on it yet as I don’t want it to fall through and then be gutted (although I know I will be), so I will just leave you with a picture;
On another note, I was speaking to a friend about what had happened with the lady (see this post here). He is a mutual friend of both of us, and as I was explaining what I had said, it turns out she is not as innocent she has made herself out to be. In fact, his words were that ‘we are both as bad as each other’ – all along, she has been making comments about me too. The funny thing is, this doesn’t make me angry, and it doesn’t make me upset, it doesn’t even make me want to bring it up with her. It makes me relieved. After our messages back and forth, on top of everything else, I felt like a bully. She acted like such a victim and I felt terrible. Just knowing that she has slagged me off just as much doesn’t make me feel like such a bully. It gives me a chance to move on, learn from my mistakes, and make sure I damn well don’t make them again.