This morning, I was feeling okay. I have been having frequent late night emotional ‘episodes’ where I find myself alone and upset about the fact that soon, I will be re-homing my little dog, Rosa. I find the nights the hardest, and the most lonely. I know it is the right thing to do for both her and myself, but it hurts a lot when I think about it. I am having irrational thoughts, such as the fact that she will think I have abandoned her, she will hate me, she will be upset, and most recently I have been feeling a deep sense of guilt about being excited about my new house and knowing that Rosa will never see it.
My friend Kim was lovely; texting me and trying to be positive, and so was Jen. I love them both very much, I just wish they lived nearer. They both give hugs that make me feel safe, secure and loved. They are the sort of hugs that I always wished my mum would give me. I believe if I had those in my childhood by life would have been very different. I know that this situation will only get harder before it gets easier and I can’t imagine going through with it, although I know I must.
I am glad that I am feeling rational about things though. Last night, despite being in floods of tears, I didn’t feel like I needed to harm myself, the only thing I felt I needed was a hug. Unfortunately for me, the option of a hug from either of my parents is non-existent, partly because they are not ‘that sort’ of people, and partly because they blame me in a big way for getting ‘rid’ of Rosa. I am concerned that I will not be able to make it through the next month (the period leading up to Rosa going, her actually leaving and then the days afterwards) without cutting but I think I will just have to deal with that as it comes.
Anyway, this morning I felt better, and ready to face the day. That is, until at work, I had a nice phone call from a contractor (cleaning) who has been messed around. Unfortunately, she had re-arranged her work schedule to fit a job in for me, but due to circumstances beyond my control, the job no longer needed doing. When she phoned, she didn’t want to discuss anything rationally, she just wanted to rant down the phone at me and make her feelings very clearly known.
Sometimes I think I am not cut out for this job. All I wanted to do was sit there and cry. Now, I am about to go home and take a healthy dose of Valium as I am verging on a panic attack and can’t concentrate. I hate confrontation and I hate being shouted at. Perhaps after Rosa has gone I won’t be so emotional but it is taking all I have right now to not break down and cry right in the middle of the office.
My mum keeps on bringing things up that I haven’t done, and my defense of talking about the things I have done doesn’t even seem worth saying. I can see her getting angrier and angrier with me, and I am desperately trying to diffuse the situation before I get another ‘public dressing down’ which will only make me feel worse, and could cause me to resort to self harming.