I made a promise to myself, when I started this blog, that I would post when I was feeling good as well as feeling bad; after all, the name of the blog is Living With BPD so I owe it to you all to show you that there are times of light breaking up the darkness.
On Saturday, I drove up to Nottingham (around a 2 hour drive) to go to a dog event. Leaving home, the weather was horrible so I wasn’t really looking forward to the day.
I stopped in the services and happened to bump into a man I wasn’t really looking forward to seeing – there have recently been a few issues regarding a training day and I was expecting a mouthful from him – but instead he was overly friendly and even asked if I wanted to follow him up to the event so I didn’t get lost.
The day was absolutely lovely, the weather was stunning after all that, and everyone seemed to be in a good mood. Everyone seemed to want to speak to me, everyone smiled, I had some lovely chats, some lovely hugs, and just an all round relaxed day. On top of that, Hogan was a really good boy, listening to everything I asked him to do, and that made me really, really happy.
That evening, I followed Jen back to her house as I was staying before going to a show the next day. We had a lovely evening, really relaxed, watched The Hunger Games, applied face masks (soooo funny), ate too much and chatted.
I love Jen so much. I’m started to be able to regulate my feelings towards her, which is great, although I do still have an overwhelming urge to help her, and to keep her safe. I’m hoping that in time that will become more manageable for me as I do worry if I can be overbearing or clingy at times, and I wouldn’t want to lose her because of that.
On sunday morning I got up and got ready for the show, to find Hogan was lame. Jen looked at him for me and found a swelling which is hopefully from some type of splinter which is surrounded by puss. I went to the show anyway, and sat in the sunshine, drinking Pimms, and chatting. It was such a lovely day. I met my friend (the one I have mentioned before on here who is under Section), who was not in a good way but I gave her a big hug and we had a walk round and chatted.
She has track marks covering her arms and it makes me so sad. She can’t see that every time she puts that needle in her arm she is risking her life, or if she does, she doesn’t care. She asked me if I had any valium, and I had a few tablets, and begrudgingly gave her about 8mg to keep her calm. She said she wasn’t written up for them on leave by accident, but when I weighed up refusing to give them to her (which could cause her to kick off) and giving them to her (relax her a little) and decided it would be okay, although I told her mum (who was with her) that I had given them to her just so she knew, and watched her take 2 x 2mg and then another 2 x 2mg later on. I know what meds she is on and I know they won’t clash.
On the way home I had to stop in the services for a kip as I was so exhausted, and finally made it home at around 6pm. When I got home, I had the biggest laugh I’ve had for a long time. Last week I happened to mention to my mum I needed to buy a face mask (for the Saturday night at Jens). She had been out this weekend at a car boot sale and had come home with one she bought for a pound;
I actually laughed until I cried. So, so funny, a complete mix up but the thought was there!!
Later that evening I found myself on Simons facebook page. That day he had been at a dog event, and his new ‘girlfriend’ had been with him. On the way home, I passed this on the motorway;
As you may or may not know, Simon and myself are going to Iceland in October (Excited, much!) so driving past I got very excited and took a picture, which I posted to Simons Wall. Reading his profile last night, there were several comments from his new girlfriend which felt to me like she was ‘staking her claim’. Now this really pisses me off. I don’t appreciate the way she was making me feel and I could feel myself turning into a real bitch.
I phoned Nicki, a close friend, and talked it through with her. She has training in psychotherapy and CBT-style therapy so it’s useful as she can work through my thoughts and analyse them with me. Together we worked out that although I don’t want to have a relationship with him, I was comfortable with our existing ‘arrangement’ and it was comfortable and safe. Now this new girl has come on to the scene, I am feeling like a fish out of water, and her staking her claim is just like rubbing salt into the wound.
I feel like I need to lash out at her – but I am not going to let myself do that, as I am a better, and more mature person now. The relationship between myself and Simon has never been exclusive, he is more than welcome to sleep with other people, as am I. I suppose perhaps I am only feeling upset about it because he was the one to do it – and as I result I feel rejected and abandoned (cue BPD type neurotic behaviours and thoughts).
I phoned Simon just to have a ‘chat’ about Iceland which made me feel better. He is supposed to be coming down here on Wednesday so we can go over the final details so I will see if he actually does. He let slip on the phone that this woman has been very overbearing and possessive – and although it took every single last drop of self control – I didn’t pass comment on it. It was the ideal opportunity to stir it up, and I am so proud of myself that I didn’t.
Maybe I am learning with live with my BPD after all. 🙂