So, on the whole, I had a good weekend.
On friday evening, my friend Kim arrived to stay the night, and I took her round the cottage garden (I’ve been given permission to do some work in the garden before the sale completes). She said she really liked it, which is great. This is a little video I made for Jen of the garden. I needs a lot of cutting back, planning and planting, but when I walk round it I feel so calm, and at peace. It feels magical, to me anyway.
We had a lovely evening, we had some dinner cooked by my dad, we chatted, we watched some TV and we cuddled. I found myself getting out some paperwork and showing her things, like a suicide note. I don’t know why I do this. It’s almost like a habit, dragging up the past and talking about it over and over again. I have so many ‘relics’ from that time in my life which would be far better off burnt, than in a box in my room where I am able to go over them again and again.
I love cuddling Kim. It makes me feel very safe and very loved. I need to make sure I don’t get too clingy but I’m not entirely sure I know how to regulate that just yet.
On Saturday morning we went off to a dog event pretty early, and chatted most of the way. Simon (name changed as you know) was going to be there with his girlfriend, so I talked about my feelings towards this situation. It’s quite odd really. I don’t want a relationship with him, but I can feel myself hating this girl because she is with him. I’m sure she’s a really nice person but I just can’t bring myself to like her. Simon tells me she is clingy, possessive and jealous. I know he won’t like that as he told me from the very start he doesn’t like that sort of thing; so me and him worked because I am not like that at all with men, in fact, I can be very cold. He tells me he doesn’t think the relationship will work if she carries on like this.
We are off to Iceland for a week on October 5th and this girl thinks we are having separate rooms so I guess she is either really naive or really stupid. Who goes to Iceland, one of the most romantic places in Europe, with someone of the opposite sex, just as friends? I’m sure it would be possible but not for Simon and I who have been sleeping together for at least the last 18 months. (She doesn’t know this, she thinks we’re just friends).
I know what will happen. I will go to Iceland, and have such a good time that I will let him in, and when we get back, as I fully expect him to, he will run back to his girlfriend, leaving me wanting more, even though I know realistically we are not a good match and he is not good for me. Of course I know this is my Borderline thoughts – my whole issue with ‘attachments’ and ‘dependency’, and I know I shouldn’t be looking to the future and worrying about what is going to happen there.
I had a lovely day with Hogan at the event, despite him being a little naughty. I spent time with Jen, which was lovely. Everything seemed to be going well, despite me seeing Simon and his girlfriend together. It didn’t bother me too much, apart from feeling slightly guilty that I know we will sleep together in Iceland, and that he is going to hurt her. I have to detach myself from this though, this is not my problem, and not my bad decision. He is the one in a relationship, not me.
Everything was going well, until right at the end of the day. Just a little information about the situation I am about to discuss; I had a conversation with someone called Tom (name changed for obvious reasons) about an event we are organising (I am the secretary of a club and he is on the committee). Tom seems to have a big chip on his shoulder about dog events in this country and how they are judged. He thinks that judges are crooked and everyone is cheating – an opinion which he made very public last year. During this phone conversation, Tom said to me that he would be happy to be involved with the event, providing that ‘those cheating b*stards aren’t coming’. When I asked who he was referring to, one of the names was Jen.
Obviously, he didn’t know how close myself and Jen are, although he quickly realised when I defended her fiercely. After this conversation, I had a dilemma as to whether or not I should tell Jen what he had said. She knew, of course, that he had been saying things about her as other people had informed her. I didn’t want to upset her, but I also feel a very strong sense of loyalty towards her and so decided in the end, to tell her.
So, back to Saturday. Jen had previously told me that she would like to confront Tom, and ask him why he felt the need to talk about her in such a way. I can’t remember exactly the conversation, but I believe at some point we discussed whether or not I would be happy for her to tell him that I had passed on to her what he had said, and I told her that she was welcome to. Unfortunately for me, this piece of information came out during her conversation with Tom on Saturday, while I was sat across the room, waiting for her.
He walked over to me and asked me why I had lied about the conversation. I hate confrontation, it intimidates me, it makes me uncomfortable and I cannot deal with it. I struggled to get any words out, and didn’t really have an answer for him, although later in the conversation I did manage to actually open my mouth and tell him he DID say it. Unfortunately, he then denied it again, told me to stop lying and told me that ‘we all knew how many lies I tell‘ or something along those lines. After this point, I quickly began to dissociate.
I could feel it happening, and I desperately tried to stop it, as the conversation was still going on around me. By this point Kim had joined the conversation. I tried looking round, and using the Core Mindfulness Skills – Observing and Describing but it didn’t seem to make any difference. On trying to remember the conversation, I can only recall certain parts of it, like Tom shouting in someones face, Kim trying to stand up for herself, or the feeling of the food bag I had standing in front of me.
I understand that Tom probably felt threatening with four of us there, against him on his own, but he really showed his nasty side during the time we were talking. I was pleased at least, that he did apologise later in the conversation for bad mouthing Jen, which showed that he did indeed say what he did to me on the phone.
When the conversation was over, I just felt numb, like I wasn’t really there, that familiar dissociated feeling. I vaguely remember Jen holding my hands, telling me she loved me, and that she believed me, and then giving me a short massage treatment on my neck (she is a qualified therapist and I’ve been having really bad problems with my neck and back recently).
When Kim and I got back to the car, I sat there and tried again, to use the core mindfulness skills to bring myself back, as I had a long drive ahead. Gradually, I became more aware of things, the feeling of the car seat against my legs, the temperature in the car, the feeling of the steering wheel beneath my hands, the colour of the trees, the sky, the fields.
Kim asked me how I was feeling, but I really didn’t have an answer. I just didn’t feel anything. I knew that I had done the right thing by telling Jen, but the confrontational situation had really affected me. That said, I would have done it all over again if I had to. I didn’t feel the need to harm myself, I didn’t feel upset and I didn’t feel anxious. I just felt numb. The only way I can describe it is that feeling you get in your ears when you take off in a plane, and they pop, and you get that 30 seconds of quiet before they pop again – it was like that, except it wasn’t just my hearing, it was my entire head, my emotions and thoughts.
As we were driving, we started talking about what had happened, and discussing my feelings towards it. I didn’t want to make this about me but I suppose I was the one that reacted most badly towards it, even though all I had had with Tom was a brief exchange at the beginning and that stood silently for the rest of the conversation. As soon as we started to discuss the conversation in more depth I began to feel the familiar urges to harm myself, but at least now I can identify the thought process I go through;
Talk about something difficult, hurtful, uncomfortable or challenging
Feel unable or unwilling to deal with those feelings
Require a distraction or a physical pain to re-direct those difficult emotions
I started planning, like I normally do. This is hard for me to admit as I know that both Jen and Kim have access to the blog but for my own sanity I need to be completely honest. As I was driving along, I began to think of ways I could facilitate harming myself that evening without either of them finding out.
I had the following thoughts;
I knew I wouldn’t be seeing Jen for a little while, and providing it wasn’t bad enough to need stitching, I could get away with it, and perhaps I could just avoid Kim
They would know, by the way I was acting, what I had done
I would feel guilty
I would hurt the people I love, as they would feel let down
I couldn’t do that, and would rather feel the emotional pain myself, than making them go through it
As it happens, I think Kim probably could sense what I was feeling as she asked whether I would like her to stay the night. She has been poorly lately, so is quite tired, and we had suggested earlier that she stayed anyway. I didn’t want her to stay on my account but on the other hand I knew with her there, I definitely wouldn’t cut.
We then, during the drive, started talking about my parents. I found myself emotional, and just couldn’t let myself cry. I kept looking out of the window when I felt I was going to cry. The thing that makes me feel that emotional are when I talk about how I want her to be proud of me, but I feel like she never will. About how I want her to act a certain way but she just can’t.
When we got home, we had a chinese takeaway, and settled down to watch X-factor. We cuddled again, and I know I keep saying this, but I just felt safe.
On Sunday, I spent the day at the cottage, doing some gardening. Both parents came, which was lovely. It is nice for them to want to be involved, so I hope nothing goes wrong.
I am glad the situation with Tom has been brought to a head and is in the open, but I wish I could have dealt with it better. The last thing I want to do is to make people worry about me. I want them to be proud of me for being a good, strong person, not worry for me because I am weak. Their lives are difficult enough without having the added worry of whether I am going to go off the rails. I love them so much and would do anything to make their lives easier.