I have had a sleepless night, trying to think about the right answers to some big questions I have in my life right now.
The situation with Simon seems to be spiralling out of the control and I really need to get a grip on my emotions, hopefully I am going to be able to use some DBT principles to help me.
Just to re-cap, Simon and I have been ‘friends with benefits’ for nearly 18 months now. He is nearly 18 years older than me, has been married (and divorced) 3 times and has two children. When we first started sleeping together we both mutually agreed that neither wanted a relationship; it would just be sex. If either of us met anyone else, the arrangement would stop, and if either of us developed feelings for the other that were more than that of a fuck buddy, we would discuss it.
Back in April, Simon and I decided we would go to Iceland for a week together, this October, so booked it. Obviously only a couple of people know what goes on between us, the rest believe we are friends.
So, that brings me up to around a month ago. I found out, not in a particularly sensitive way, that Simon was seeing someone, called tonia (name changed). (See this post here for what happened). At the time, I thought I could deal with it. I mean, my feelings for Simon we simply in a friends-with-benefits capacity, and letting go would be easy right? Not right. Of course, I ignored the fact that I am Borderline through and through. We can’t let go. We feel like we are being abandoned. So this is why I feel like I do now.
So, I have had a couple of conversations with Simon since this revelation about Tonia, and the general consensus is that we are still going to Iceland, that we will more than likely sleep together (to include joining the mile high club… *gulp*) and that he is still with Tonia, and that she believes we are simply friends and that we are staying in separate bedrooms, and that Simon wants me to go along with this little charade. I thought I could go along with this. I mean, it’s just sex right? I know Simon and I wouldn’t be good together as a couple so for that reason I know I don’t want him for myself.
So yesterday, I had a conversation with my cousins, Sara, and her husband Steve. Just a little bit of history to this conversation; Sara and Steve are swingers. Not in a big way, they just go to a club in Newport every now and again, and the last time I stayed with them, they invited me to go. I really, really want to, but I have several reservations about it. The first thing, and the foremost in my mind, is that afterwards, I will feel like a bad person, a whore. This is not me projecting thoughts ahead of time and refusing to live in the moment, this is me knowing myself and my own reactions. The second, is that for me to be brave enough to actually go, I will probably need to be drunk, and when I am drunk, I lose control of myself and indeed turn into a whore (this is proven fact, proven over and over again, hence why I now rarely drink).
Over the past few weeks, Simon has been promising to come down for the night so we can ‘catch up’ (if you get my drift), and sort out things for Iceland. Each time, he has cancelled the day before, saying he has to work.
So, anyway, a few days ago, Sara & Steve asked me again, and I decided I might ask Simon if he wanted to go with me. Yesterday, I spoke to him on the phone, and he said he was at a wedding, but he had stepped outside, because he didn’t really know anyone and wanted to speak to me anyway. He said he would be up for it, but I told him I didn’t want to ask him, because that would make me a bad person as I knew he was in a relationship; So I was going to leave it up to him to decide if he wanted to or not. (I know that doesn’t make much sense but it was the way I got my head round it!). He also said he would come down on Thursday, for that ‘catch up’.
Last night, I went on to Facebook and noticed that Tonia had posted a status saying that she had had great fun at a wedding all day. So, I could be jumping to the wrong conclusion, but I’m guessing Simon had been at a wedding with Tonia, and slipped outside to call me. Why do I have a problem with this? It just makes me mad. It just makes me feel like he’s a cheating slimeball, and I’m his dirty secret. Surely I must be worth more than this?
So, I need to make a decision. I don’t want to ruin the Iceland trip, as I am really looking forward to it. Using the Core Midnfulness skill Being Effective I need to let go of my principles, my emotions, and work out what is the best outcome for this situation; the most effective solution.
I know I do not want a relationship with Simon, and even if I did, could I ever trust him completely, knowing he is sleeping with me behind Tonias back? No, I couldn’t. I need someone I can open up to, and trust completely, and Simon isn’t that person. And that isn’t even taking into account the age difference, and all our respective ‘baggages’.