This morning is a little frustrating as all the computer systems are down at work so we are sitting and twiddling our thumbs until the I.T. company arrive and fix them for us. Sunday night wasn’t such a great night. After a reasonable day on Sunday, I suddenly found myself with quite strong urges to cut myself when I hit about 11pm. I don’t know what it is about the late evening, but it seems to trigger a vulnerability in me, and I find myself weaker than I would be towards fighting the urge to cut.
I found myself in a sort of ‘fork’ in the road. Turn left, give in to my feelings of what I wanted to do, be weak, but have to face the consequences of those I love feeling hurt and disappointed. Turn right, be strong, fight those feelings and save those I love from those difficult feelings.
In the end, I chose to text Kim, knowing that as soon as I had informed her of how I was feeling, my choices were no longer my own; I would have to be strong and responsible, and fight those urges. Luckily, after speaking to Kim, I no longer felt I needed to harm myself, and so the struggle had passed.
During our conversation, I found myself talking about the binging behaviour. I do not talk about this often, because I feel ashamed. A while ago I remember reading a post from Lexi, talking about how her bulimia was disgusting, and dirty. I feel the same, but no longer class myself as a fully-fledged bulimic. If push came to shove, I would probably describe myself as someone who experiences occasional ‘bulimic episodes’ but nothing more. What’s more, I don’t experience them for weight control, as I did once. They are more a reaction to stress, a way of self harming which doesn’t leave scars than people can see.
I have a very strange relationship with binging and purging. I am weak, so I binge, then I have to show amazing strength to purge, as I hate it that much.
Purging makes me cry, makes me sit on the bathroom floor and wrap my arms around my legs, and cry my heart out. It makes me feel disgusting and hate myself, but it also makes me feel sorry for myself, and want to protect myself. It makes me feel like a small child, and it makes me feel very alone. Hence – I don’t talk about it. It’s something that happens and I deal with it. But talking about it makes me very uncomfortable.
Yesterday was another OK day. I haven’t had much time to practice the DBT core mindfulness skills; I must make more time for this. A lot of the time I practice Observing and Describing while I am driving in my car, from place to place. These are basic skills which I am finding easier to use the more I practice.
In my lunch hour I went to have an electrolysis consultation. As you will already know from previous posts, I have a condition called Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndome, which causes excess hair growth due to an inbalance of hormones. The hair on my body, well, I can hide that. But the hair on my face is a different matter. A lot of people have never noticed it because I go to extreme lengths to make sure it isn’t noticeable but it’s a daily chore. I have tried shaving, waxing, sugaring, hair removal creams, bleaching, lightening, laser (3 courses of 6 treatments, plus 3 free treatments, courses of £600 a pop!), medication such as Dianette, Metformin and Finasteride, and creams such as Vaniqua. So, I finally decided to try Electrolysis. For those who don’t know, it involves a small needle being put inside the hair follicle, with an electric current being run down that needle to cauterise the inside of the follicle, and slowing and then eventually stopping the growth of the hair. It was PAINFUL, but hopefully if it works, will be worth it.
This picture was from after the 10 minute consultation treatment;
I have another little situation which is arising, which I need your advice on as to how to deal with it and be effective. When I moved in with my carer, Hogan was about 10 months old. She also has the same breed of dogs, and one of them, Tetley, is not a nice dog. He is big, bulky, and aggressive. Unfortunately, my carer had made him up to a show champion, and loved him a lot (I don’t begrudge her for that, I would love Hogan regardless).
Anyway, when I went into hospital, I left Hogan in the care of my carer. He lived in her house alongside her dogs, including Tetley. To cut a long story short, while I was in hospital, Tetley attacked my poor Hogan FOUR times, resulting in large open wounds over his whole body, over 50 staples, two drains and many mental scars. I now have to be careful with Hogan around other male dogs because he can be very defensive, and because of this, some people assume he has a bad temperament, which I hate, because it simply isn’t true. He is the sweetest, kindest, most loyal dog – but he suffers from fear aggression towards male dogs which he, understandly, sees as a threat.
Anyway, I digress. My carer has since been paid, several times, to use Tetley at stud to produce litters of puppies. I completely disagree with this – why breed from a dog which clearly has a bad temperament (he also went for me several times, once ripping off the top of my Ugg boot), when I tried to move him from the sofa. He is a very dominant dog, and my carer just allowed this.
Although I disagreed, there was nothing I could do. The ‘deed’ so to speak, was done, and I suppose it wasn’t really my place to say anything. However, I have recently found out that a woman I know well, though dog showing, has used Tetley at stud. She knows full well what he did to Hogan, but decided to use him anyway. Myself and this woman are ‘acquaintances’ rather than friends, as she is well known for spreading gossip and back stabbing – so I tend to try to avoid her if at all possible; I do not need people like that in my life.
Anyway, the point I’m getting to, is that she has started advertising this litter for sale, as ‘bred for temperament’, a fact I know is blatantly untrue. Should I just leave the situation alone, and protect myself for any form of backlash from either Helen or my old carer, or should I stand with my principles (against the idea of being effective) and make public the information I have on the attack of my dog (Pictures, Vet’s records?)
Last night I had a long chat with Simon on Skype, and we sorted out some final details for our upcoming trip. We booked the car hire, a husky sledding trip and a horse riding trek, around the lava fields. He says he is coming down on Thursday to go through final details but that is yet to be seen as the last three times he has cancelled.
I also chatted to Jen, and she says she’s going to send me her ski coat to wear, which is great. I’ve told her she has to wash it in her washing powder so it smells of her, because I’m going to miss her too much. How bad is that? I think she likes to humour me though, thankfully!