Memories of an Eating Disordered Teen *ED Triggering*

On Tuesday night I went to spend the night with my friend Kim, and we got talking about Bulimia, and I suddenly remembered that at one time when my eating was bad, I had kept a livejournal, and after a little searching, I managed to find it. After reading through it, I can identify how screwed up I was, how my thinking was so disorder, and distorted. To those of you who claim an eating disorder is a lifestyle choice rather than an illness – you are wrong. I was out of control, it wasn’t my choice to live like this. Reading it makes me disgusted and ashamed, but I promised myself I would be honest and open on this blog no matter how uncomfortable or ashamed I felt about something. Here is an extract from the blog;

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14th May – the cycle contiues.
posted on: Sunday, May 14th 2006 @ 3:06pm
Tags: binge, fat
Hey all,I got up this morning after a non successful purge last night with the idea in my head of being good today. Stopping the cycle and eating sensibly.I’m staying at my parents for a couple of weeks, so had breakfast, a bowl of porridge, and  then the parents went out. Not good. 4 bowls of porridge later and two loaves of bread and i’m bent over the toilet.

But hey ho, I think my body is trying to tell me something. Could I purge? COULD I FUCK. Not one little bit. So mad dash to Tescos and downed 40 laxatives on the way home. That’s a new one. I usually take 20, I’m fucking scared man, what am I doing to myself.

Done a bit of revision now, browsing pro-ana sites, trying to trigger myself a bit. I need to stop binging. I need to get back down to 9 stone. I LOOK FAT. Eurgh. God knows what weight I’ll be tomorrow morning. I actually look pregnant. Well I’m not eating anything else today, that’s for sure. HAH. I’ll show this fucking body.

Anyway, I’ve just joined a pro-ana msn group and decided to participate in the “covenant challenge” – so here is it, my day so far…

Covenant Challenge

Weight: 9 stone 9 last night. Oh fuckity.

Caloric Intake
Breakfast- 4 bowls of porridge at 200 calories each (800 cals), two loaves of bread (1000 cals???)
Lunch- Nothing, oh yes.
Snack- Nothing
Dinner- Will be nothing, will update later. I will be strong !

Total Calories: 1800
Points:-5 (yes, you couldn’t possibly feel worse about it than I do)

Beverages: water water water is my frieeend
Points: 8 ??

Calories Burned 500
Points: 15 points

Sleep 9 hours
Points: 3 points

Support
Points:

Extras Binging attempting to purge… fuck you body.
Points: -5

Total points: 10

I will do better tomorrow, I promise. Tomorrow is a new day.

I’ll update later.
Hugs x

location: In a darkened bedroom brooding on my fatness
Mood: angry angry
Music: Mary J Blige ft. U2 – One
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An update on the 14th
posted on: Sunday, May 14th 2006 @ 6:26pm
Tags: binge
Ok, so I’ve made it to half 6. The laxatives haven’t kicked in yet, eek, not looking forward to that.But, I’ve got home and am in the mood for a binge. Really really. But I am going to be strong. THIS FUCKING BODY WILL NOT BEAT ME.I will have an apple tomorrow morning, or maybe a bowl of porridge, that’s it. I will be thin, I will.

Maybe I’ll go for a run, try and burn off some calories. I’m so tired though, and can’t exert myself too much if laxatives are threatening to start working, hah.

Will update later if i’ve been strong enough to hold off the binge. Going to browse some pro-ana stuff, see if I can get triggered to hold off.

Love and hugs
Shellie

location: In front of TV – attempting to distract
Mood: anxious anxious
Music: None
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And so.
posted on: Monday, May 15th 2006 @ 2:37pm
Tags: binge, sleep
And so it was a 2.30am that the laxatives kicked in. All 40 of them. I thought I was going to die, honestly and truly, I thought I was going to die. I managed to crawl out of bed to the toilet, but things were coming out of everywhere so decided to go to the garden. I got my clothes off and lay on the grass which was luckily wet so I think it cooled me down a bit. I don’t know how long I lay there before everything had passed. I stumbled over to the hosepipe and hosed myself down, naked. I went back to bed, and set my alarm for 5.30, so I could clean everything up.Got up and went to school, had a biology lesson and sat down after with the idea in my head of revising all day, until 4. 10 minutes later I decided to eat one of the apples I’d brought with me, so went to the kitchen and chopped it up into little pieces in an attempt to make it seem like more :P5 minutes after having that I realised I had to binge. I ate the other apple on the way home, and drove as fast as I could to get home. (Not good safety wise lol).

Got home, and binged. I had 2 hobnobs, 3 pieces of toast with lots of butter and marmite, a tin of sweetcorn, a tin a tuna and a huge glob of mayonaise, 2 fairy cakes, a fat off massive pizza.

Purging came easier, but not easy enough, I only managed to get some of the pizza and most of the tuna, mayo and sweetcorn up. I feel like a fucking pig.

Then, instead of revision went to sleep until about 2pm, when I woke up, and went downstairs, drank some water.

Started reading this good book, Philip Pullmans “Northern Lights”. I love fiction, it gives me a chance to escape from this constant obsession with food.

I really need to exercise, a good hours running would get rid of those calories, but I’m so tired I can’t.

On a positive note, last night I arranged to go and stay at a respite clinic in Wales, when study leave starts. They are going to try and help me stop binging, yayyy, and it’s free. Let’s just hope it works. Will be hell though. Hell!

Woke up this morning and weighed in a 9 stone 5.8, after the binge I was 9 stone 7. Not bad, but shit if I compare it to the 8 stone 12.6 I was a couple of weeks back. I WILL GET BACK THERE, I WILL.

I just need to be stronger.

Will update later.

Hugs and kisses
Shellie

location: Sat on the sofa with a darn good book
Mood: dirty dirty
Music: Silence
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Tired of it all

posted on: Monday, May 15th 2006 @ 8:29pm
Tags: binge, bitch, sick
Ok, well just binged. And I don’t have the inclination to purge. At least, I don’t want to put my fingers down my throat – and no laxatives for me today. I WILL NOT.I’m sat here feeling fat. FAT FAT FAT. I hate this life, I need an escape.
location: On the sofa
Mood: sick sick
Music: None
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Oh my days. Hunger strikkesssss
posted on: Tuesday, May 16th 2006 @ 10:32am
Tags: thin, yes!
Well after yesterdays evening binge I made the decision this morning to skip breakfast, something i don’t normally do as the idea is in my head that it will slow down my metabolism?Note to self. Will go to boots and search for either ipecac or metabolism boosting pills. Oh yeahhhh.So, no breakfast and it’s going well. There wasn’t actually anything to eat this morning anyway, so meh.

I will skip lunch too. I will will will. Wish me luck, I will update later.

Didn’t dare to weigh myself this morning, bleurgh. Fat bitch.

location: At college, in front of a computer
Mood: accomplished
Music: Typing noises
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Up yours
posted on: Tuesday, May 16th 2006 @ 1:11pm
Tags: ana
HAH. Up yours ugly fat bodyyyy. I’ve made it to 1.10 and not a calorie has passed my lips today. This will hopefully make up somewhat for yesterdays relapse. (I fucking wish.)And my tummy is feeling slightly flatter, oh good.But the urge to binge is so strong, I’m so glad I didn’t bring any money with me today. Or it would have been spent.

Hunger pains are bad though, so bad, but they make me feel so good. They make me feel like a strong person.

Come on ana, its just you and me now!

location: At college
Mood: determined
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It never stops
posted on: Tuesday, May 16th 2006 @ 5:07pm
Tags: binge, sick
So, I made it to about half 4. Got home, just binged. Yukkity. I will purge now. I WILL WILL WILL. I’ll show this fucking body who is the boss, it won’t win this time.Sticking my fingers down my throat WILL work this time.My tummy hurts. Bleurgh. Catch ya later x

location: Walking towards the toilet
Mood: sore sore
Music: James Blunt
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Yesshhh or no.
posted on: Tuesday, May 16th 2006 @ 5:34pm
Tags: binge, fat
Well, purging actually worked this time. Yesss. You’d think after years and months I’d be able to do it easy like? But it seems to be getting harder? Going to see if I can invest in that ipecac sooner than later, yeh. Good ideaaaa.Anyway, boo hoo. Weighed myself before purging, 10 stone!! 10 fucking stone!! All my months of hard work gone to waste??? I was 9 stone a week ago. I hate my fucking body. All i’m going to eat tomorrow is Apples. You better fucking hold me to that. Gah. Need to get back down to what I was. Argh.I was 9 stone 8 after the purge. 2llbs of puke, nice.

Arghhhhh are why are my scars so itchy ?? They always itch when I purge?? I dunno why.
Someone save me

Hugs and kisses
Shellie x

location: Walking away from the toilet
Mood: confused confused
Music: Paradise by the dashboard light
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bitch.
posted on: Tuesday, May 16th 2006 @ 9:17pm
Tags: binge, cut
I am a fat bitch.I got home, ate two big dairy milk bars, a galaxy bar, a JUG of tuna mayo and sweetcorn, the rest of the bread, and haven’t purged it. Not for want of trying. It wouldnt come up.Bet i’ll be fucking 10 1/2 stone tomorrow. I’ve lost it, i’ll be as fat as I used to be soon.

I need to cut, so badly. Really really need to cut. Here goes.

Hugs and kisses
Shellie

location: At home, alone
Mood: sad sad
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Ideas
posted on: Tuesday, May 16th 2006 @ 10:03pm
Tags: fat
I am such a fat bitch.Tomorrow will be a new start, I’ve decided. I WILL not eat. I MUST be strong. Why can’t I be?? Just you wait.
location: In front of tv
Mood: confused confused
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Feelings.
posted on: Wednesday, May 17th 2006 @ 8:56pm
Tags: fat
I’m not really sure how to feel… I feel.. guilty?Today I had… no breakfast, for lunch I had 3 satsumas. Then I went to tescos and bought (and quickly ate) a tub of grapes (400 calories), 4 bananas and an apple.Got home and had 2 bowls of Jordans Country crunch. (about 2500 calories?!) 420 x 5 😦

Anyway, I know I havnen’t binged but I still feel.. guilty. I’m getting fatter every day. I’ll never get back to looking like I did in that userpic 😦 xxx

I wish I was dead.
location: Home
Mood: crushed crushed
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Disgusting
posted on: Thursday, May 18th 2006 @ 2:02pm
Tags: binge, fat
I really really hate myself. On a scale of 1 to 10, probably over 10.I started off well this morning, two bananas and and apple for breakfast. All is good.Made in to lunchtime with nothing, had a lesson, and then, bleugh.

Went to the kitchen and STOLE someones baguette. Yes, STOLE it from the fridge. See what it makes me do?

Got home, had a loaf of bread with marmite and butter, about 10 bananas and a measuring jug full to the top of tuna mayo and sweetcorn.

Went to purge, couldnn’t. I even tried putting soap and water in a cup and drinking it in an effort to make myself throw up, all that happened was i hiccuped bubbles. LOL.

Anyway, just about to leave now to go to the hospital for my outpatient therapy appointment with Dr Malone.

And a dentist appoint this afternoon, i wonder what HE’LL say. Argh.

I fucking hate myself, thats anohter couple of pounds added to my already fat self.

I won’t eat anything at all for the rest of the day, or breakfast tomorrow. I WILL NOT. I MUST BE STRONG.

location: Home
Mood: blah blah
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Come ON
posted on: Friday, May 19th 2006 @ 3:33pm
Tags: food, weight
Oh god. Please let me stop eating.Got up this morning and had scrambled egg with fried potatoes and an apple. Ok, was just planning on having an apple on its own, but I could SMELL the cooking, I couldn’t resist. But that wasn’t so bad.Got to school, they had a cake to say thanks for being a great sixth form, but the pieces were quite small, so that was ok. Plain sponge cake with orangey stuff in the middle? Not too bad. BUT it was a MASSIVE cake and they left it for us to finish. But I was good. I went to psychology, and she had food too as it was our last ever lesson with her. I spent the whole lesson eying up the chocolate brownies, had one at the end, and 5 little maoam strips.

Came back to the common room and there was cake left, gah. Cut off a piece (notice self restraint though!!). Came home and had 4 apples. About half a tin of peas, and now have just had a big bowl of pasta and sauce (which had 153 calories in it) topped with cheese, and 2 digestive biscuits.

Now although I feel fat and yuk, I still want to eat. WHY DO I WANT TO EAT? Gah.

I will not eat. I think I’m going to the cinema tonight with Richard. So if I have a diet coke then, it should be ok, and NO FUCKING pick n mix. And no breakfast tomorrow.

And a fruit salad for lunch? I don’t know, I have to be strong. Maybe i’ll have a sandwhich tomorrow. It’s weird, my eatings been messed up for so long now I don’t know what normal sized portions are any more.

I was 9 stone 12 this morning. FUCKITY. A short term goal is to get back down to 9 stone 6. BUT I did get into my size 8 jeans this morning, woo. They were the stretchy ones though, lol.

Gah.

Love and kisses
Shellie

location: On the sofa
Mood: contemplative contemplative
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Pain
posted on: Saturday, May 20th 2006 @ 10:21pm
Tags: binge, fat
Everything hurts so much. Why do I have to binge?? Why??I was bad already today. For breakfast I had porridge and a crepe thing with honey in. Which I was ok with.Was working all day today anyway, so I had some structure, which was good. Had lunch, a slim a soup. Eurgh.

Then, I was weak. Stole someones fruit bar thingy from the kitchen, This is what it does to me, im a theif.

Then I had an apple. So that was ok, I felt ok with that lunch, on the condition I had no dinner.

Then my mum came into work, and bought me a BIG bag of Maltesers, the like, £2 kind. I couldn’t stop, ate them all. Then stole a packet of rolos from the shelf and ate them in the toilet, sticking my fingers down my throat after eating them. Nothing came up. Then ate a curly wurly. I thought fine, its ok, if I don’t eat any dinner I should be ok. Even if I have just eaten 1000 + calories.

Got home, started eating. Even before I got home I knew I would, I could feel it. Started off with an apple. Then a scotch egg. Then a complete packet of ginger nut bisuits. Then a heated up curry and rice. And a pot of pasta and tomato. And two pieces of bread and marmite. And another apple. All washed down with a complete carton of tropical fruit juice with the bits in. (The huge cartons).

Tried to purge just to ease the pain (my tummy hurts SO much) but nothing will fucking come up. What’s wrong with me? Why cant I purge any longer?

I WILL NOT EAT ANYTHING tomorrow. Apart from the meal that im going to for my sisters birthday. Argh. It’s worked out ok though. I just will skip breakfast and maybe just have an apple for lunch tomorrow. Yay. I hate being fat.

location: In bed
Mood: sick sick
Music: Eurovision
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I made a little thingy.
posted on: Sunday, May 21st 2006 @ 12:29am
Tags: thinness
Nothing really more to say to describe it!!
location: In bed
Mood: blank blank
Music: Jamie Cullum
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New start
posted on: Sunday, May 21st 2006 @ 5:22pm
Tags: binge, fat
From tomorrow, I will have a new start.I’m sat here in so much pain its unbelievable. Binge pain, it’s the worst.So I got up this morning, had an apple, two pieces of toast with butter and marmite, two scones with butter and marmite, then two more apples on the way to work.

Ok, so thats not such a bad start to the day. But then it got worse. Throughout the duration of the day at work I had:

2 pieces of toast with butter and marmite
3 packets of rolos
1 packet of skittles
1 packet of cheese and onion walkers crisps
1 bar of dairy milk
1 bar of aero
1 bar of galaxy praline
1 mars bar
1 packet of m+m’s

You think thats bad huh?

Add on to it when I got home, a scotch egg, a bowl of frosties and a bowl of pasta, pesto and cheese.

It hurts so bad, I can’t stand up. Theres no point in even bothering to try to purge, Im destined to be FAT FAT FAT. I need to cut. Bleurgh.

location: In bed
Mood: dirty dirty
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Change of heart
posted on: Sunday, May 21st 2006 @ 7:49pm
Tags: new start
Ok WELLL I’ve had a change on heart.I am no longer going to be obsessed with food! Woo. Woo wooo wooo.Sarah and me are going to Magaluf in september and yes, although I tried on my size 8 city shorts today and they were very very tight, I will get back into them!! I will stop binging, I will eat lots of fruit, and I am JOINING the gym as of tommorrowwww.. and im going to run for 10 minutes every morning yayyayyay.

Charging up the ipod now for my run tomorrow heh heh heh..

And my tummy no longer hurrrtsss !!!

location: In front of tv
Mood: excited excited
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Proudness.
posted on: Monday, May 22nd 2006 @ 1:36pm
Tags: binge, fit, purge
Ok, started today with a biiiig bowl of frosties without sugar on top, so that im proud of.Got to college, had my last ever biology lesson with Mrs Heywood, 😦 and no one seemed sad but me, gah.Got home, had an apple. Followed by a bowl of frosties, 10 pieces of toast with marmite, a scone and another bowl of frosties.

I swear I’d have a new start. Gah. Weighed myself after the binge, 10 stone 3!! OMFG.

Anyway, get this. I succesfully purged! I don’t know why I never thought of it before. I had a shower, sat down in the shower and purged there. It was so easy. I just kept my head against the wall and pushed deeper until it all came up! Amazing really! Well, obviosuly not from a health point of view, or cleanliness for that matter, lol.

Anyway, THEN get me!! I went for a run!! Well, it was power walking most of the way, but you gotta start somewhere right??

So not going to have any dinner tonight, and I should be ok for now. Got to get bacj down to a size 8/10 before Magaluf though. Notice I didnt measure it on weight, hah.

Off now to buy my policewomans outfit for tomorrow, muck up day at sixth form!! Yayyyy xxx

location: In the kitchen
Mood: energetic energetic
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Round and round and round and round
posted on: Monday, May 22nd 2006 @ 8:15pm
Tags: binge, purge
Welllll where did I get to.Went out shopping, had an apple and an alpen light bar. And a small bottle of apple juice.This is good. Bought my policewomans outfit and furry handcuffs YAYYYYY await pics tomorrow 😀

Got home. And this is where my good day finished. Got home and had an apple.

Then Dad make tea. Tacos with beef mince, peppers, sauce and cheese. And I PIGGED out. Like big style.

Then I had two bowls of Frosties and the rest of the two boxes of Aplen light bars.

But get this… the saving grace…. the shower trick worked again 😀 Yeesss. Off to straighten my hair xx

location: In front of tv
Mood: giddy giddy
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Updatation
posted on: Thursday, May 25th 2006 @ 7:57pm
Tags: fat, run
Welll haven’t been on for a little bit so got a bit to update!!Went in a tuesday for a muck up day, it was AMAZING. Really truly. We did so many pranks like barrakading (sp?) the main gates and causing a traffic jam, painting a big penis on the lawn (lol) and releasing crickets, stink bombs, paint bombs etc. All dressed as cops and robbers!! Was fab, apart from the fact I ate:A chocolate chip muffin, a mini bar of dairy milk, an entire school lunch (lasange and pasta and chocolate cake) and half a box of chocolate animals.

Went home, binged on toast with marmite and biscuits, did the purging in the shower again but had to have a shower cap on to keep my hair dry as it was straightnened, lol. Had an apple which I kept down.

Went to TK Maxx where I bought a frilly half cardigan thing to wear to the leavers dinner, got ready for that.

Went, it was so good, so happy but also so sad. I’m going to miss my friends, my head of year Mrs Heywood and my psychology tutor Mrs Jephcote so much. They’ve been there for me through everything, Mrs Heywood Especially. She’s been like a second mum to me. We all got really really drunk, but it was good.

Ate a buffet meal, not much though, which I was so pleased about. A vegetable samosa, piece of flavoured chicken, a small cheese and tomato quiche, and a slice of apple pie. Which didnt feel that much, so that was good.

Woke up the next morning, had a bowl of Frosties. Without sugar, yesss.

About lunchtime binged, packet of ginger biscuits, 20 pieces of toast with butter and marmite, a bowl of pasta with sauce, 2 more bowls of frosties. Yet again, managed to purge most of it YESSSS, in the shower. Won’t ever purge in the toilet again, the shower is SO much easier, except the disguisting part where I have to squish the sick with my fingers so it goes down the plughole. (Sorry, too much info, I know :P)

Left for wales at about 5pm after eating an apple, got here about 7.

Im staying at a unit which is hopefully going to help me sort out my eating. I know it can’t go on as it is, it’s truly screwed up. So I guess its either this or becoming an inpatient!

When I got to Wales, I guess we started as we meant to go on, I had tea which was two small jacket potatoes which butter and cheese, and sweetcorn. I felt so guilty after eating it as it stayed down, and felt desperate to binge but I guess that’s part of recovery huh? Not that I fucking want to, but I know it needs sorting.

Got up this morning and WENT FOR A RUN. How proud am I of myself?? Am going to go every morning, might even go in evenings too, if I’m allowed, LOL. Wow??? yeah,. I know.

Had a bowl of crunchy nut this morning. Went for a gentle walk to see some scenery and was going to stop in the co op to buy lunch but while I was waiting in the car I couldnt stop myself from eating this huge flapjack which I had brought with me and not admitted to, so I didnt let myself have anything else, apart from an apple (fruit is allowed throughout the day but it’s regulated).

We’re having chicken salad for tea, so that should be healthy. I miss Jack, and Richard, but hopefully it will sort me out. They watch me all the time and that sucks. At least I know they are helping me.

location: Wales
Mood: embarrassed embarrassed
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6 comments

  1. I’ll be honest here. Reading that made me cry. A lot.

    1. Bless you. Am I ok to leave these posts? x

  2. AH! I’m glad you shared but hate that it was like that for you!!

      1. Love you to 🙂

  3. Ya you can leave these posts because I am just talking about your situations.

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