On Tuesday night I went to spend the night with my friend Kim, and we got talking about Bulimia, and I suddenly remembered that at one time when my eating was bad, I had kept a livejournal, and after a little searching, I managed to find it. After reading through it, I can identify how screwed up I was, how my thinking was so disorder, and distorted. To those of you who claim an eating disorder is a lifestyle choice rather than an illness – you are wrong. I was out of control, it wasn’t my choice to live like this. Reading it makes me disgusted and ashamed, but I promised myself I would be honest and open on this blog no matter how uncomfortable or ashamed I felt about something. Here is an extract from the blog;
But hey ho, I think my body is trying to tell me something. Could I purge? COULD I FUCK. Not one little bit. So mad dash to Tescos and downed 40 laxatives on the way home. That’s a new one. I usually take 20, I’m fucking scared man, what am I doing to myself.
Done a bit of revision now, browsing pro-ana sites, trying to trigger myself a bit. I need to stop binging. I need to get back down to 9 stone. I LOOK FAT. Eurgh. God knows what weight I’ll be tomorrow morning. I actually look pregnant. Well I’m not eating anything else today, that’s for sure. HAH. I’ll show this fucking body.
Anyway, I’ve just joined a pro-ana msn group and decided to participate in the “covenant challenge” – so here is it, my day so far…
Weight: 9 stone 9 last night. Oh fuckity.
Breakfast- 4 bowls of porridge at 200 calories each (800 cals), two loaves of bread (1000 cals???)
Lunch- Nothing, oh yes.
Dinner- Will be nothing, will update later. I will be strong !
Total Calories: 1800
Points:-5 (yes, you couldn’t possibly feel worse about it than I do)
Beverages: water water water is my frieeend
Points: 8 ??
Calories Burned 500
Points: 15 points
Sleep 9 hours
Points: 3 points
Extras Binging attempting to purge… fuck you body.
Total points: 10
I will do better tomorrow, I promise. Tomorrow is a new day.
I’ll update later.
Maybe I’ll go for a run, try and burn off some calories. I’m so tired though, and can’t exert myself too much if laxatives are threatening to start working, hah.
Will update later if i’ve been strong enough to hold off the binge. Going to browse some pro-ana stuff, see if I can get triggered to hold off.
Love and hugs
Got home, and binged. I had 2 hobnobs, 3 pieces of toast with lots of butter and marmite, a tin of sweetcorn, a tin a tuna and a huge glob of mayonaise, 2 fairy cakes, a fat off massive pizza.
Purging came easier, but not easy enough, I only managed to get some of the pizza and most of the tuna, mayo and sweetcorn up. I feel like a fucking pig.
Then, instead of revision went to sleep until about 2pm, when I woke up, and went downstairs, drank some water.
Started reading this good book, Philip Pullmans “Northern Lights”. I love fiction, it gives me a chance to escape from this constant obsession with food.
I really need to exercise, a good hours running would get rid of those calories, but I’m so tired I can’t.
On a positive note, last night I arranged to go and stay at a respite clinic in Wales, when study leave starts. They are going to try and help me stop binging, yayyy, and it’s free. Let’s just hope it works. Will be hell though. Hell!
Woke up this morning and weighed in a 9 stone 5.8, after the binge I was 9 stone 7. Not bad, but shit if I compare it to the 8 stone 12.6 I was a couple of weeks back. I WILL GET BACK THERE, I WILL.
I just need to be stronger.
Will update later.
Hugs and kisses
I will skip lunch too. I will will will. Wish me luck, I will update later.
Didn’t dare to weigh myself this morning, bleurgh. Fat bitch.
Hunger pains are bad though, so bad, but they make me feel so good. They make me feel like a strong person.
Come on ana, its just you and me now!
Arghhhhh are why are my scars so itchy ?? They always itch when I purge?? I dunno why.
Someone save me
Hugs and kisses
I need to cut, so badly. Really really need to cut. Here goes.
Hugs and kisses
Anyway, I know I havnen’t binged but I still feel.. guilty. I’m getting fatter every day. I’ll never get back to looking like I did in that userpic 😦 xxx
Went to the kitchen and STOLE someones baguette. Yes, STOLE it from the fridge. See what it makes me do?
Got home, had a loaf of bread with marmite and butter, about 10 bananas and a measuring jug full to the top of tuna mayo and sweetcorn.
Went to purge, couldnn’t. I even tried putting soap and water in a cup and drinking it in an effort to make myself throw up, all that happened was i hiccuped bubbles. LOL.
Anyway, just about to leave now to go to the hospital for my outpatient therapy appointment with Dr Malone.
And a dentist appoint this afternoon, i wonder what HE’LL say. Argh.
I fucking hate myself, thats anohter couple of pounds added to my already fat self.
I won’t eat anything at all for the rest of the day, or breakfast tomorrow. I WILL NOT. I MUST BE STRONG.
Came back to the common room and there was cake left, gah. Cut off a piece (notice self restraint though!!). Came home and had 4 apples. About half a tin of peas, and now have just had a big bowl of pasta and sauce (which had 153 calories in it) topped with cheese, and 2 digestive biscuits.
Now although I feel fat and yuk, I still want to eat. WHY DO I WANT TO EAT? Gah.
I will not eat. I think I’m going to the cinema tonight with Richard. So if I have a diet coke then, it should be ok, and NO FUCKING pick n mix. And no breakfast tomorrow.
And a fruit salad for lunch? I don’t know, I have to be strong. Maybe i’ll have a sandwhich tomorrow. It’s weird, my eatings been messed up for so long now I don’t know what normal sized portions are any more.
I was 9 stone 12 this morning. FUCKITY. A short term goal is to get back down to 9 stone 6. BUT I did get into my size 8 jeans this morning, woo. They were the stretchy ones though, lol.
Love and kisses
Then, I was weak. Stole someones fruit bar thingy from the kitchen, This is what it does to me, im a theif.
Then I had an apple. So that was ok, I felt ok with that lunch, on the condition I had no dinner.
Then my mum came into work, and bought me a BIG bag of Maltesers, the like, £2 kind. I couldn’t stop, ate them all. Then stole a packet of rolos from the shelf and ate them in the toilet, sticking my fingers down my throat after eating them. Nothing came up. Then ate a curly wurly. I thought fine, its ok, if I don’t eat any dinner I should be ok. Even if I have just eaten 1000 + calories.
Got home, started eating. Even before I got home I knew I would, I could feel it. Started off with an apple. Then a scotch egg. Then a complete packet of ginger nut bisuits. Then a heated up curry and rice. And a pot of pasta and tomato. And two pieces of bread and marmite. And another apple. All washed down with a complete carton of tropical fruit juice with the bits in. (The huge cartons).
Tried to purge just to ease the pain (my tummy hurts SO much) but nothing will fucking come up. What’s wrong with me? Why cant I purge any longer?
I WILL NOT EAT ANYTHING tomorrow. Apart from the meal that im going to for my sisters birthday. Argh. It’s worked out ok though. I just will skip breakfast and maybe just have an apple for lunch tomorrow. Yay. I hate being fat.
Ok, so thats not such a bad start to the day. But then it got worse. Throughout the duration of the day at work I had:
2 pieces of toast with butter and marmite
3 packets of rolos
1 packet of skittles
1 packet of cheese and onion walkers crisps
1 bar of dairy milk
1 bar of aero
1 bar of galaxy praline
1 mars bar
1 packet of m+m’s
You think thats bad huh?
Add on to it when I got home, a scotch egg, a bowl of frosties and a bowl of pasta, pesto and cheese.
It hurts so bad, I can’t stand up. Theres no point in even bothering to try to purge, Im destined to be FAT FAT FAT. I need to cut. Bleurgh.
Charging up the ipod now for my run tomorrow heh heh heh..
And my tummy no longer hurrrtsss !!!
I swear I’d have a new start. Gah. Weighed myself after the binge, 10 stone 3!! OMFG.
Anyway, get this. I succesfully purged! I don’t know why I never thought of it before. I had a shower, sat down in the shower and purged there. It was so easy. I just kept my head against the wall and pushed deeper until it all came up! Amazing really! Well, obviosuly not from a health point of view, or cleanliness for that matter, lol.
Anyway, THEN get me!! I went for a run!! Well, it was power walking most of the way, but you gotta start somewhere right??
So not going to have any dinner tonight, and I should be ok for now. Got to get bacj down to a size 8/10 before Magaluf though. Notice I didnt measure it on weight, hah.
Off now to buy my policewomans outfit for tomorrow, muck up day at sixth form!! Yayyyy xxx
Got home. And this is where my good day finished. Got home and had an apple.
Then Dad make tea. Tacos with beef mince, peppers, sauce and cheese. And I PIGGED out. Like big style.
Then I had two bowls of Frosties and the rest of the two boxes of Aplen light bars.
But get this… the saving grace…. the shower trick worked again 😀 Yeesss. Off to straighten my hair xx
Went home, binged on toast with marmite and biscuits, did the purging in the shower again but had to have a shower cap on to keep my hair dry as it was straightnened, lol. Had an apple which I kept down.
Went to TK Maxx where I bought a frilly half cardigan thing to wear to the leavers dinner, got ready for that.
Went, it was so good, so happy but also so sad. I’m going to miss my friends, my head of year Mrs Heywood and my psychology tutor Mrs Jephcote so much. They’ve been there for me through everything, Mrs Heywood Especially. She’s been like a second mum to me. We all got really really drunk, but it was good.
Ate a buffet meal, not much though, which I was so pleased about. A vegetable samosa, piece of flavoured chicken, a small cheese and tomato quiche, and a slice of apple pie. Which didnt feel that much, so that was good.
Woke up the next morning, had a bowl of Frosties. Without sugar, yesss.
About lunchtime binged, packet of ginger biscuits, 20 pieces of toast with butter and marmite, a bowl of pasta with sauce, 2 more bowls of frosties. Yet again, managed to purge most of it YESSSS, in the shower. Won’t ever purge in the toilet again, the shower is SO much easier, except the disguisting part where I have to squish the sick with my fingers so it goes down the plughole. (Sorry, too much info, I know :P)
Left for wales at about 5pm after eating an apple, got here about 7.
Im staying at a unit which is hopefully going to help me sort out my eating. I know it can’t go on as it is, it’s truly screwed up. So I guess its either this or becoming an inpatient!
When I got to Wales, I guess we started as we meant to go on, I had tea which was two small jacket potatoes which butter and cheese, and sweetcorn. I felt so guilty after eating it as it stayed down, and felt desperate to binge but I guess that’s part of recovery huh? Not that I fucking want to, but I know it needs sorting.
Got up this morning and WENT FOR A RUN. How proud am I of myself?? Am going to go every morning, might even go in evenings too, if I’m allowed, LOL. Wow??? yeah,. I know.
Had a bowl of crunchy nut this morning. Went for a gentle walk to see some scenery and was going to stop in the co op to buy lunch but while I was waiting in the car I couldnt stop myself from eating this huge flapjack which I had brought with me and not admitted to, so I didnt let myself have anything else, apart from an apple (fruit is allowed throughout the day but it’s regulated).
We’re having chicken salad for tea, so that should be healthy. I miss Jack, and Richard, but hopefully it will sort me out. They watch me all the time and that sucks. At least I know they are helping me.