Valium, sigh.

Things seem to be on a slightly slippery slope again. I know this is mainly due to work but I don’t see any way to sort it.
Yesterday, was a stressful day. Probably due to the weather, most people in their cars were ASSHOLES. Sorry, I know this is judgmental – perhaps, practicing non-judgmental stance I should say, a lot of people were driving in an aggressive and dangerous manner. The traffic was awful, and I hate driving in the center of town at the best of times.

The first thing that went wrong was my mum asking me to meet a difficult landlord, who was angry about a few issues with her house. She was firing questions at me that I had no way to answer, or should I say, they were problems that my mum had created and expected me to take the flack for. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had caused the problems, and I have no problem taking the flack for my own cock ups, but I resent taking it from someone else, when they aren’t even grateful for it (she even goes so far as to not even acknowledge what is happening). After sorting that out, I took my lunch and had a mooch around the charity shops looking for some gardening books (I’m determined my beautiful cottage garden is going to stay that way with me at the helm) and ended up cheering myself up by buying some trashy CD’s for my car at £1 each. (Don’t judge me lol!)

After getting back to the office, I found Jaye on the phone. Jaye, along with Marlene, is one of my favourite members of staff. Jaye was clearly upset about an issue in her personal life, and when she finished the phone call she returned to her desk. I knew she was upset and felt an overwhelming need to protect her. Ignoring the nasty look I was being given from Julie, I walked over to Jaye, wrapped my arms around her, and held her tight. I knew if my mum had been in the office I would have struggled to show affection in this way in front of her – I have always struggled to show any emotion in front of her (answers on a postcard as to why that might be). Jaye clung on to my arms and cried. I asked her if she wanted to take a break, which she did.

We then had a viewing come in, for the center of town, in 45 minutes. There is normally enough time to get there, but the weather, and so traffic, has been awful. I asked Jaye if she would like to come with me, as she had never been on a viewing before, and she agreed. When in the car she thanked me for my support, but I assured her it was nothing. Perhaps I am selfish, but it makes me feel better and makes me feel happy to make other people happy. We arrived at the location just on time, but the parking was unbelievable. The roads were jam packed on either side, and on the lanes in between too. Everyone was angry, aggressive and stressed (Just used non-judgmental stance!). I told Jaye I would have to drop her off outside the property and try to find parking, otherwise we would be late. The poor woman – never done a viewing before and going in on her own – a baptism of fire, if you like!

As I was driving along the road looking for parking, there was a black car right behind me, revving, trying to make me go faster, alongside a stream of cars coming the other way, when there was barely enough space for one car to get through let alone two. This is my worst nightmare driving situation. I hate city driving with a passion but this was city driving and then some. I finally managed to spot a space, but when I went to pull forward to reverse back into it, the black car nipped in behind me. Choosing to ignore this act of pure idiocy, I carried on driving and let it go over my head, instead of letting myself get angry and even more stressed about it. Unfortunately, as I was pulling out of the way of another car, I reversed into a van. Luckily, I was going very slowly, and there was no damage to either the van or my car. The owner of the van, a builder, shouted down from above, asking whether it was damaged, and I assured him it wasn’t, and apologised.

After finally finding a space, I began walking towards to flat. The anxiety was starting to become overwhelming, and I could feel it rising from my stomach, like a swirling pit, like butterflies. I tried to observe and describe, as I couldn’t think of any of the other skills I’ve been through. Those two are getting quite good now, but didn’t settle me much. I arrived at the flat to find Jaye had already done it, and although the clients had decided it was too small, Jaye had a big smile on her face, her pride in herself was evident.

Leaving the city I was still anxious, but glad we could get back to the office. Nothing much else of interest happened, until later that day when I went for my second electrolysis session. I had bought some local anesthetic cream and it seemed to take the edge off things but it was still painful. I also booked an eyelash tint for next week (I’ve never had one but thought I would treat myself before Iceland). Jaye and I are going to a fashion show tomorrow, part of Bristol Fashion week, quite funny really as I am the most unfashionable person I know. Because of my Borderline, I have no sense of self. So instead of being like a normal person, going shopping, and thinking ‘I like that’, I go shopping and think ‘That will make me look good in my new image’ – except it is a new image each time I go shopping, and I end up mixing these ‘images’ and looking a bit strange!!!

In the evening, my withdrawal symptoms started to kick in, as I had forgotten my Escitalopram for two days in a row. I don’t know why I forget, it just slips my mind until I start feeling the familiar withdrawal and that reminds me. I really must try harder to remember, I know that. I lay down in bed with my laptop resting on my knees, as I felt too ill to do anything else, so spent most of the evening playing with an image on photoshop for someone, and chatting to Jen and Kim. I knew I would feel better in the morning, sleep seems to get rid of it, but I had to write off the rest of the night.

At some point I had a phonecall from a lady at the local dog club reminded me I have a committee meeting tomorrow night, which I had completely forgotten about. Such a pain as Simon was meant to be coming down, and the thought of cancelling him made me feel very anxious. I thought he would think I was being spiteful and messing him around like he has done me, or I thought he would hate me (I know these are irrational thoughts but I’m telling you them anyway). Instead of allowing these thoughts to get the better of me and procrastinate, I simply sent him a text and told him what had happened, and luckily, he was fine about it.

As the evening went on, I became more and more anxious. This anxiety is becoming a real problem for me and trying to use the Core Mindfulness skills doesn’t seem to touch it. I also started to feel quite emotional, like I needed to cry, but was unable to. I actually feel like that quite a lot of the time – and sometimes I watch sad movies just so I can get it out. I was talking to Jen about the electrolysis but because I’ve never really allowed her to see the hair problem on my face (as I shave it all the time to stop anyone from noticing) I got the vibe she didn’t really believe that I had a problem, perhaps I was over exaggerating. So, I swallowed the fact that I am so, so embarrassed about it, and sent her a picture of the problem, after 2/3 days  (the red spots at the top left are from the electrolysis two days ago). This is what I have tried to hide for over 10 years by shaving every single morning. So here I am, posting it publically. I deserve the shame I feel;

How can anyone think that is beautiful? It makes me hate myself. It makes me feel ugly. It makes me want to hide away. Why can some people just be normal, when I have to deal with this on a daily basis?

In the end, the anxiety got so bad I decided to take some Valium, and that settled me to sleep.


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