I just can’t carry on like this. Myself and my mother are clashing at work, in a big way. She WILL NOT do things the way that they need to be done, according to our new computer systems, and according to the law governing our industry. I am dissociating, I can feel it, and I am letting it happen. It feels much better this way. Everything is slightly hazy, and although she is still talking to me from across the room as I type this, I can’t hear what she is saying. It feels good to let go, instead of trying to take in and remember the long list of things I have to do. She tells me if I carry on nagging her, I won’t be able to have my cottage. Of course this is a familiar threat to me, although this is the first time she has stooped low enough to use the new house. The old beauty; ‘Comply, or I will take what I am giving you, and you will have nothing’.
I know, I must, must keep my mouth shut, until at least the contracts are signed. But it is so hard. I want to cry but musn’t allow myself to show weakness in front of her. She cannot see what she does to me. I am trying hard to not allow myself to hate her. Things are too hazy now to think what else I need to say, I need to find something simple to focus on. Of course, the things that don’t get done and my fault and it will be rubbed in my face. But I really don’t care right now.