I am feeling so confused. I feel guilt over sleeping with Simon when he has a girlfriend and how hard age must be finding it that we are away together as ‘friends’. I feel self pity that people think badly of me of that I am a whore. I feel unstable in that I am having urges to harm myself; I wanted to hold my arm over the steam coming out of the kettle and make it look like an accident, I wanted to hurt myself in some way that wasn’t obviously deliberate so it wouldn’t be obvious what I had done. I feel upset that I think the past is about to come back to haunt me, I can’t make it right, I don’t even know if there is anything to put right, I can’t remember most of what happened with jean as I seemed up have blocked it out and allowed 2 years of my life to merge into one single memory; the pain of loving her and the insanity in drove me to, eventually ending up in a psychiatric unit.
I feel angry. Angry that Simon won’t show me affection when he is fucking me and makes me feel like a whore. I feel angry I had to ask for his affection in a cuddle and that people will blame me for leading him astray.
I have had such a lovely holiday and am about to go on a tour to try and find the northern lights. I am supposed to be happy but I know things are going to come soon that I won’t want to face. I know I won’t be able to come home and pretend it will all go away. I can’t keep my head straight and feel on the verge of dissociating, and Simon won’t even know what is going on, because he doesn’t GET me. Neither does he CARE about me. Which makes ME not care about me. I feel dirty. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Why have I allowed this to get to me? I felt so strong this morning. Perhaps I am not so strong after all. I want to go home and cuddle my dog, and let him lick my tears away. He is my perfect man and I miss him so much.