This morning Simon tells me that his girlfriend has told him people have been in contact with her, asking her if she is okay, and that they can’t believe Simon has gone away with me given that he is supposed to be with her.
This holiday was originally booked back in April when both of us were single, and if you remember back to my post a few months ago, I only found out by chance that Simon had started a new relationship, he didn’t even bother to tell me. When I found out, I immediately asked him whether he would still be coming to Iceland, as if he wasn’t I would need to replace him, fast. He told me he was still coming, and that whatever ‘happens in Iceland stays in Iceland’.
I wasn’t particularly happy with this arrangement, but as the time to go grew closer Simon told me he was having a few problems with his girlfriend and he didn’t even expect to be with her still when we went away. This didn’t materialise and I only realised how untrue this was when I looked at his phone a few days ago – declarations of love to her and the like.
Anyway, Simon also told me that his girlfriend hadn’t been very complimentary about what people are saying about me. What must people think? That I’m a whore? That I have no respect for myself. I was so concerned about what has been said about me that I read Simons phone again, just now, as he is asleep. When will I learn that when I go snooping I always find things that hurt me even further?
This is one of the messages sent from his girlfriend;
“I appreciate you booked the holiday before we met, but why did you never ask if I wanted to join you?
Why did you never try and talk about it before you went to make me feel better?
If she’s such a fking good friend of yours why has she never tried to be friends with me and put my mind at rest?
I would be mortified if I was going on holiday with someone else’s boy friend but she doesn’t care neither do you
You even ignored all your friends warnings about her and still booked it with her
I just hope to god she doesn’t walk all over you, chew you up and kick you when your down cuz by god she does worse than that and if your worried about not trusting and being used and hurt then she’s the one for you.”
So, first of all, I didn’t speak to her because I am a very shy person, and above all else, I feel bad that I have been sleeping with her boyfriend. Yes, we have been sleeping together for nearly 18 months before she came along, and Simon doesn’t even call her his girlfriend to me, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am doing something that will ultimately hurt her. I couldn’t put her mind at rest without lying to her face.
Secondly, who warned Simon about me, and why? This hurts and evokes more anxiety than I can tell you. I spend my life trying to make people like me so this is quite a low blow, even though she didn’t expect me to read it – that makes it even worse.
I know a lot of stuff has come from the woman I had an argument with (I slagged her off, but sincerely apologised, however in return she continued to slag me off and them blocked me on Facebook). Simons girlfriend has been spending time with her so I’m sure a lot of it will have come from there.
I feel like I need to punish myself for being such a whore. I am desperately trying to keep myself on the straight and narrow as I have had such a wonderful holiday, despite dealing with Simon and his funny habits (lol) but this is really pushing it to the limit.
Is everyone talking about me? Assuming I’ve stolen her boyfriend? Hating me for being such a bad person? Blaming me for hurting her???