I am sat at Keflavik Airport with Simon, waiting for our flight home. I am feeling substantially more stable than I did last night. After my post I went on a tour to find the northern lights – and find them we did – and what a feeling. It made me realise quite how insignificant we all are in this world.
What has this trip taught me? Firstly and foremost there is nothing more between myself and Simon than a friendship – I did think he cared for me in more than a friendship way – but it has become glaringly obvious during this trip that he is a very selfish person, only concerned for his own feelings and desires, and has no care for me above what he can gain from the relationship.
That said, me being me, I am still clinging to the hope that he likes me, and thinks I’m a nice person – probably the reason why I have let the irritations and annoyances just wash over me – I felt as if I stood up for what I felt and believed it would make it awkward, and it would be my fault for ruining the holiday.
What will happen now when we get back – I’m not sure. The other woman who Simon is sleeping with (The one he works with) is my age, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. He is 45, I am 24 and this other girl is around that age too, where his girlfriend is 40.
I was supposed to be joining the ‘mile high club’ on the plane home but I have already told him I have a headache – hopefully he won’t push the matter. Initially it was my idea to do it – but after the events of the past 24 hours I can’t bear to have sex with him again.
Now I know he compulsively lies, to my face, and I know the lies he is feeding his girlfriend, I want to keep him at arms length. I do still care about him and probably always will, but for my own sanity I need to remove myself from the situation.
When I get home I don’t know whether to try and find out what people have been saying (and who) to his girlfriend – but I don’t know whether I am better off not knowing and keeping myself safe. I still feel a little unstable, and a little emotional, and am looking forward to being home and moving on.
Simon tells me he is going to dump his girlfriend so I have asked him to wait a little time so u am not implicated in their break up – the last thing I want is a public backlash on Facebook (I wouldn’t be surprised if she did that) or even her turning up on my doorstep calling me a home wrecker.
Of course, the situation with Jean ended and I was labelled a home wrecker by a great deal of people, including my parents. What people didn’t understand is that Jean had manipulated the situation so well that she appeared to be the only victim, even I began to believe the lies, that I was evil, sick and twisted. It was only later, through the support of new friends who had not been twisted by her lies, that I was able to see the truth, that I was a vulnerable, emotionally volatile, 20 year old Borderline who became involved in a middle aged couples twisted sexual desires.
So perhaps that will give you a little insight into my fear of that situation being dragged from the past and raked over once again. I am terrified that the same will happen again, I will be isolated, turned on by those I trust, for fucks sake, even my parents turned on me and believed Jeans side of events. They accused me of terrible things, and it actually took them to see first hand what Jean was capable of, before they thought about believing me.
I wish I could close my eyes and make this all go away. I wish the past could not come back to haunt me, and drive me insane with the feelings it envokes.
I am a loyal, loving person and would give my life to keep those I love safe. Surely that is enough for me to be loved ?